Meet Your Matchmakers
by Ketsui Meraki
Summary: Fugaku thinks Itachi needs to get married. Sasuke very politely, or very not so politely, disagrees. Murder plans, mayhem, and of course, matchmaking ensue.


_**Meet Your Matchmakers**_

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 _Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, this would have been in a filler episode or somewhere. Since it isn't, it's safe to say I don't own it._

 _Warnings: Crackfic. 'Nuff said._

 _Firstly, please remember that since this is crackfic, and the pairings were made for humor purposes, so please no shipping wars. I do not support one pairing or another, it's simply that this fic requires there to be some ships to work. Also, l have taken some liberties with canon and shifted some things around, because this is, y'know, fanfiction._

 _(No, this isn't the story I mentioned in my last story. Sorry?)_

 _Read and Enjoy!_

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 **~~Little Brother Is Worried~~**

"Excuse me, _what?!"_

Sasuke's slightly high exclamation reverberated across the table, causing everyone to pause in the middle of their dinner. It had been a typical dinner in the Uchiha household, with all the members actually being present for once, with a plus one of Shisui. This time, the dinner had actually looked like it would end peacefully, or as peaceful as it gets when it's a shinobi household, but now, with how hard Sasuke was clenching his chopsticks, Shisui was honestly surprised that they hadn't broken in half already. Nowadays, family dinners just had to end dramatically.

Fugaku blinked, and raised his eyebrows. "I simply suggested that Itachi find a partner."

 _SNAP._

 _Oh wait, there it was,_ Shisui thought, smirking as he leaned back to enjoy the show. Everyone knew how protective Itachi was of Sasuke, but sometimes, it slipped by people that Sasuke was just as protective over Itachi. When Sasuke spotted anything he thought to be a threat to Itachi's well being he would pounce on it and tear it to pieces before setting it on fire and then dancing on its ashes. Speaking of Itachi, Shisui's eyes flickered next to him, observing the Uchiha Heir, who heaved a great sigh, as if already resigned to his fate.

Mikoto, bless her sweet soul, hummed and only gave an indulgent smile before she resumed eating her dinner as if nothing was wrong. Sometimes, Shisui admired the resiliency of that woman. Or maybe she had simply gotten too used everyone's antics to even care anymore. That was quite probable too.

"Itachi doesn't need a, a partner yet! He's only seventeen!" Sasuke practically screeched, standing up as he did so, eyes alight with a feverish maniacal energy.

Leaning slightly, Shisui bumped shoulders with Itachi, catching his eye. "Cheer up," he whispered with an amused grin. "You can't tell me this isn't quality entertainment."

"He's quite old enough to make his own decisions, Sasuke," Fugaku said mildly, as he continued to deliberately eat his own dinner.

Itachi rolled his eyes and gave another great sigh. "I do wish they wouldn't fight," he murmured mournfully, despondently swirling around his chopsticks around in his rice.

Shisui smirked. Once upon a time, Sasuke had respected his father very much, and would go trailing after him much like he trailed after Itachi, searching for approval and affection. Unlike Itachi though, Fugaku simply didn't know how to handle Sasuke. Thus, soon enough, with all the blunders Fugaku made, Sasuke simply stopped caring about Fugaku, and where he would instead feel disappointment and self-doubt, he now instead felt anger and disdain.

Since Sasuke was still a preteen, Shisui called it 'Early Onset Teenage Rebellion'.

"I don't know, I think your brother is so cute when he's defending your honor," Shisui teased. "Maybe I should go get a video camera."

Sasuke slammed his hands down on the table, rattling it. No one even flinched, the pity of every single person at the table being a shinobi. The boy hissed, "There is no one, _absolutely no one,_ in the village who is worthy of Itachi!"

"Shisui, no," Itachi mumbled, burying his face in his hands.

"Shisui, _yes."_

Fugaku continued on in a level tone, "While Itachi is indeed in a class of his own, there are plenty who will complement him–"

"Well, they wouldn't exactly deserve him now, would they? Itachi deserves better, much better, and god knows what sort of partner you would pick!" Sasuke yelled, his face flushed with anger. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get away before you spew anymore of this stupidity!"

And with that, Sasuke stomped out of the dining room. Silently. Since he was a ninja and all.

Simultaneously, both Itachi and Fugaku heaved a great sigh, so synchronized that Shisui swore that they were using the Sharingan.

"You know, dear, it is your fault," Mikoto mildly chastised Fugaku, who merely looked disgruntled.

"I'll go talk to him," Itachi said at last, standing up to follow Sasuke to wherever he had snuck off to brood or plot or both.

As Itachi left, Shisui figured he might as well leave too, and made his excuses. "I'll come by tomorrow during dinner as well, if you don't mind?"

"Of course not, dear, you're welcome anytime," Mikoto replied with a smile.

"Great! See you, then!" And with that Shisui headed out of the room. Closing the door, he paused for a while, wondering whether or not he should follow the brothers.

"A hundred ryo that Sasuke will end up finding a suitable partner for Itachi within three months," Fugaku's voice drifted through.

 _What?_ Shisui thought, his eyes widening slightly in surprise.

"Two hundred that Sasuke will chase everyone away and keep Itachi single, and you're on dear," Mikoto's airy voice countered.

Were they betting on what Sasuke would do? Did Fugaku actually perhaps goad Sasuke into doing this? Shisui couldn't help but smirk, maybe a little impressed.

 _Oh, you devious bastard._

 **~~Big Brother Is Apprehensive~~**

Itachi found Sasuke in a train field, furiously attacking innocent trees with various kunai and shuriken. His eyes were still alight with that manic energy, and Itachi could practically see the gears churning in his mind as he desperately planned… something. Itachi knew perfectly well that 'something' would most likely result in something such as massive property destruction and fire. Lots of it, probably like last time when Sasuke nearly burned the house down. With a sigh, he dropped down beside his foolish little brother, determined to try to talk him out of what insanity he was planning this time, or at the very least calm him down.

"Brother," Sasuke greeted anxiously, stopping in his training. Worriedly, he faced Itachi, hugging him first then laying a hand against Itachi forehead.

Against his better judgement, Itachi asked cautiously, "What are you doing, Sasuke?"

"I have to make sure…" Sasuke mumbled with a frown, continuing to check him over, much like one would a teammate after a battle.

"Make sure what?" Itachi pressed, already dreading the answer.

Sasuke replied promptly, "Make sure that while I was gone Father hasn't managed to set you up with a vicious witch who tricked you into falling in love and then had poisoned you or harmed you so that you would die or something who then I would have to murder brutally along with everyone and everything they love, or course!" After a pause, he added, "Not that I doubt your poison detecting abilities, but I _worry,_ you know."

"I see…" Itachi said blankly. No, he really didn't. Sasuke had been gone for all of what, five minutes? What did he possibly think Fugaku could do in that time?

Sasuke gave him a brilliant smile as he finished checking. "I'm really glad you're okay, brother! But you know, you should maybe stay away from Father a while. Maybe stay with Shisui? I don't want you to be influenced by Father right now. Oh, and you should be careful around new people or simply people acting strange, okay, brother?"

Itachi took a look at his brother's earnest face and his resolve entirely melted. His cute little brother was simply being overprotective, how cute. With an affectionate smile, he poked Sasuke in the forehead and chastised, "Silly little brother. Do you not think I can protect myself sufficiently?"

Sasuke frowned. "I know you can, Itachi."

"Then–"

"But you're rather oblivious when it comes to these matters. It took you _three_ years to realize you had a fanclub, and they were practically stalking you," Sasuke continued bluntly. His face softened, and he pleaded, "Please, brother."

Itachi winced. That was true, but Sasuke really had no reason to worry! It wasn't like it was possible for him to fall in love with someone so quickly anyway. There really was no reason for Sasuke to worry, but if it would make his brother happy... "Very well, Sasuke. I'll stay with Shisui for a while if it will ease your worries."

"Thanks, Itachi!" Sasuke gave him that brilliant, dazzling smile once more, and Itachi cooed internally. His little brother was simply too cute!

 **~~Cousin Likes His Entertainment~~**

Itachi let his head hit the table with a dull thunk. "He's _too_ cute."

Shisui smirked. "I can't believe you went to convince Sasuke to calm down and instead got convinced into moving out of Fugaku-san's area of influence. But hey, at least you'll have fun spending time with me?"

"I suppose so," Itachi said gloomily, voice somewhat muffled by the table.

Feeling a sudden spark of mischief, he said, "You know, Sasuke really is too cute. Are you worried about him? For, you know, any potential suitors?"

Itachi turned his head to give Shisui a blank look. "What are you talking about? Sasuke's aware of his fanclub, but he's still at the age where he merely finds them annoying."

"Oh my sweet summer child," Shisui spoke sadly, shaking his head. Though internally he was giddy with glee, externally he leaned forward with epic solemnity, then whispered, as if sharing a great secret, "He's entering _puberty."_

 **~~Little Brother Spends Time Plotting~~**

Inside his room, Sasuke paced impatiently, planning and scheming about what he could do to protect his brother. Itachi was one of the strongest, perhaps the strongest, person he knew, but when it came to matters of the heart… Itachi was so _innocent._

Sasuke stilled, and fell onto his bed with a sigh. His father was an idiot if he thought Itachi could find a partner deserving of him. His father was simply, so, so _stupid_ that it made Sasuke want to pull his hair out. Nonetheless, since his father was an idiot, Sasuke would have to take matters into his own hand. The first part of his plan was already in motion, but now he needed to take care of some other thin–

Sasuke rolled over abruptly, facing the open window, sensing a familiar presence. Sure enough, not a second later, his cousin lightly landed on his windowsill, causing a relieved smile to break out on Sasuke's face.

"Shisui," he greeted, sitting up. Shisui was Itachi's best friend, and was nearly as protective of Itachi as he was. He knew he could count on him, even if he would have to hide a few parts of the plan, so Shisui was his ally in protecting Itachi's virtue.

"Yo," Shisui replied with a grin. "Need any help with the planning?"

Sasuke answered with a smirk. "Hell yeah!"

 **~~Little Brother Has A Minor Panic Attack~~**

The next day, Sasuke shifted impatiently, getting a little agitated as he waited for Kakashi. He had more important things to do, like tracking down all the threats to his brother's innocence and neutralizing them. Sasuke and Shisui had talked it over: while Shisui couldn't protect Itachi as thoroughly since he was often out of the village, he would watch out for any foreign threats and keep an eye on Itachi whenever they went on missions together, and Sasuke, meanwhile, would stick close to Itachi since they were still stuck on D-ranks and thus didn't go far out of the village, and keep an eye out for the more domestic threats. He had managed to convince his mother to let him know if Fugaku conceived any more stupid ideas, so they were safe on that front as well. The plan to protect Itachi still wasn't as secure as he liked, but there was only so much he could do when they were understaffed. Still, together, the three of them would protect Itachi's virtue and chase away all those vultures!

He was dragged out of his thoughts when he heard Sakura yell, "You're late!"

 _Kakashi's finally here,_ he thought in annoyance. Ah, yes, Kakashi. He knew that Itachi and Kakashi had gone on several missions together, and that Kakashi was probably ex-ANBU, but the real question was whether the man was a threat to Itachi. He hadn't ever seen Kakashi react to anyone so far, even if he read those porn books all the time. But were those really porn? He hadn't seen the inside, and he refused to even touch such things, so he couldn't find out.

"Hmm, you see, an old granny needed help crossing the road and I just had to help–"

"Just get us a mission already!" Naruto scowled impatiently, and Sasuke couldn't help but agree with him, adding his own glare.

"Sasuke!" a voice called out.

Immediately, Sasuke turned toward the source of the sound, and immediately lit up. He smiled adoringly and greeted, "Brother!"

"Ah? It's Itachi-chan! How've you been?" Kakashi asked with a crinkle of his eyes as Itachi approached them.

Itachi's cheeks tinged a slight pink and his smile turned into a scowl. "I've been fine, thank you."

Sasuke froze, gazing blankly at the two as his internal alarms went off. ALERT, ALERT, ALERT! A SHIP MAY TRY TO SAIL!

 _Itachi-chan? Itachi-CHAN? ITACHI-CHAN? Why the hell is he using 'chan'?_ _Any why did Itachi blush?!_ Were they in a relationship? Did Kakashi like his brother? Did Itachi like Kakashi? This couldn't be happening. Kakashi, how dare he, Sasuke was going to fucking murder that bas-

"Sasuke," Itachi said softly, dragging Sasuke out of his distress. "You were asked to drop by the Police Office after you're done, okay?" For some reason, Itachi's eyes lingered over his teammates, and in particular, at Sakura.

 _Oh no,_ Sasuke could only think as he nodded numbly.

"Oh, and Shisui and I will be out of the village for a while, too. Around a month or so," Itachi added.

Sasuke immediately brightened. Usually, he would be a little sad to hear his brother would be gone for so long, but this time, it would give him time to neutralize the threats before they could even approach Itachi, and in particular, Kakashi. Not to mention, he would be with Shisui. This was great! He said to Itachi, "Be careful, and come back safely!"

Itachi smiled kindly. "Of course, Sasuke. You stay safe too." And with a poke to Sasuke's forehead, Itachi left, leaving Sasuke in a good mood.

But then he noticed Sakura's starry eyes watching Itachi leave.

"Your brother's so cool, Sasuke-kun," Sakura breathed dreamily.

Sasuke twitched _. The nearby threat count has just increased to two._

"Hey, why do you have to go to the police, huh?! What did you do to get you stuck in jail, bastard?" Naruto asked loudly.

Sasuke stared. Did he not know that the Konoha Military Police basically consisted of Uchiha? Or even if he didn't, did he not notice that the Uchiha crest, which he was wearing, on the police uniform? Or how if he was going to be dragged to jail, he would have been arrested instead or informally summoned? Sasuke said dryly, "And the nearby idiot count has just increased to one."

"What did you say, bastard?!"

 **~~The Porn Reader Reads a Book~~**

 _This,_ Kakashi mused as he flipped through yet another page of his precious Icha Icha, _is not good._ He wasn't quite sure what was up with Sasuke, but the kid hadn't stopped glaring at him since morning. That gaze was practically drilling a hole into his back, and if he were any lesser man, Kakashi knew he would have started sweating by now. Was the kid tired of D-ranks or something? Well, there wasn't anything he could do about that. Genin teams just didn't get C-ranks this quickly. But no, Sasuke was quite diligently pulling the weeds, he just happened to be glaring really, really hard at Kakashi at the same time.

"Hey, hey, Sakura-chan, why do you think the bastard's mad at Kakashi-sensei for?" Naruto whispered.

"He's obviously mad at him for being so late again. Sasuke-kun does have somewhere to be after this, so he's mad because of that," Sakura answered confidently, but Kakashi could hear her uncertainty beneath. Was Sasuke mad because Kakashi had a Sharingan? Nah, the kid knew that beforehand, and the clan had gotten over it for a while.

He let out a discrete sigh as he flipped another page; he doubted it was that either. Well, whatever it was he would have to deal with it soon. While Sasuke's sudden newfound hatred of him didn't appear to be interfering with his ability to complete a mission, he knew Uchihas and he knew how stubborn Sasuke was. If he didn't do something about it soon, Sasuke might just do something drastic, and god knew all Uchihas were drama queens.

After they were done for the day sounded like a good time for a confrontation, so when they finished the mission and Naruto went off to have ramen and Sakura headed home, he asked Sasuke to stay behind. And no, he did not just pick this time because it would make Sasuke late to the meeting with his dad, obviously not. Kakashi was an outstanding jounin, and would _never_ intentionally make someone late, perish the thought. And _of course,_ he wasn't trying to pass on his habit of lateness to his students either, why do you ask?

Well at any rate, now here they were, with Sasuke glaring so hard at him that it might have set him on fire, and him wondering how to approach this topic. He had experience in turning down romantic advances, and in opposite cases where people hated him he usually ignored them, or if they were enemy-nin, he killed or captured them. However, he was pretty sure this wasn't a love confession, or maybe it could be since Uchihas were seriously weird, and so if this were a case of hate, he couldn't exactly ignore or kill or drag Sasuke to T&I either since he got the feeling Fugaku would get prissy. Thus, he had to actually confront Sasuke about it. In the words of the Nara, troublesome.

But before he could even make a move, Sasuke stepped forward, eyes blazing as he angrily demanded, "Why did you call Itachi with '-chan'?! Why did that make my brother blush?! And what the hell are your intentions towards him?!"

Kakashi blinked. _Like, what._ "Is that why you've been glaring all day at me today?"

Sasuke glared even harder at him if possible. "Obviously." He grit out. "Now answer the questions."

Kakashi scratched his head in bemusement. Who would have thought the mini-Uchiha would have protective tendencies as well? Though Sasuke did phrase his questions a bit weirdly… "Well, it was just a little bit of teasing, since Itachi was the youngest in my team for a long time, even if he was quite skilled, so we'd often teasingly address him with '-chan'. He's still the type to get embarrassed easily though, which is he was scowling at me. I suppose he does get quite irritated whenever I remind him of that, doesn't he? So don't worry, I'm not bullying your brother or anything."

Surprise flashed across Sasuke's face. He sputtered indignantly, "I wasn't asking if you were bullying him! Itachi can beat you anytime."

Kakashi couldn't help but be a little offended. Sure Itachi was strong, but he wouldn't say the kid was stronger than him. Though, he hadn't sparred with him in a while, so he couldn't be sure. Nursing his injured pride, he retorted, "Then what were you asking?"

Sasuke grimaced. Suddenly hesitating, he muttered, "That, well…" His eyes darted to look where Icha Icha was poking out of his pouch, and a sudden thought crossed Kakashi's mind.

Sasuke wasn't thinking of _that_ was he? But he clearly remembered a scene from Icha Icha Paradise where Akiko had accused Hayato of being interested in her best friend, and her wording had been strangely similar to Sasuke's. But that was ridiculous, right? Itachi was almost a decade younger than him, plus he just wasn't interested in that kid. Still, trying to break tension, he jokingly asked, "Did you think I was flirting with him or something?"

Sasuke stayed silent, and a creeping sense of dread overtook Kakashi.

"You seriously thought I was flirting with him?" the jounin asked, horrified. "God, Sasuke, in case you didn't notice, he's a decade younger than me."

"Then what are your intentions towards him?! Itachi is pure and oblivious to these kinds of things, so if you did anything to him, I won't forgive you!" Sasuke exploded, raising a fist threateningly.

"Calm down, Sasuke, he's just my fellow shinobi, I swear. And besides, I'm already married anyway!" Kakashi protested, raising his arms in a placating manner.

Sasuke stared, frozen in place by surprise. "What."

Kakashi nodded, a little smug. "Yup. I'm married."

"To _whom?_ What sort of creature has the capability or functions necessary to put up with you?" Sasuke asked flatly, crossing his arms.

"Hey! I'll have you know my partner takes offense to that. And besides, you've seen her already," Kakashi replied, slouching again now that Sasuke seemed a little less trigger-happy.

"Kurenai? That secretary who kept flirting with you? Sakura? Gai? Iruka?" Sasuke asked questioningly.

Kakashi twitched, sure that Sasuke was being deliberately obtuse. He said firmly, "No, no, definitely no – didn't we just discuss how I'm not a pedophile, Sasuke – and hell to no! And I barely even know who the last person is, so no. And why would you think that I was with Gai anyway? Do you think there's anyone on earth that could deal with him?"

Sasuke winced. "Point," he conceded, "But there are times you guys act like a couple."

Kakashi stared at him, aghast. He managed to get out, "I'm going to need brain bleach… a lot of it…"

"So who is it?" Sasuke asked, genuinely curious.

Kakashi reached into his pocket and waved around his precious Icha Icha. He mumbled, "I would have thought it obvious… I'm married to my Icha Icha."

"You can't be married to a book, Kakashi," Sasuke said blankly.

Kakashi shrugged. "Apparently you can. Some council members were pressing me to get married, and I knew a guy who knew a priest, so I got married. And since some I knew was in paperwork, they made it official. I have a marriage certificate and everything. So no need to worry, Sasuke, I'll never commit adultery!"

"You're serious," Sasuke said flatly. "You're actually serious. I can't even decide what's worse. That my teacher is so addicted to porn that he got married to it, or that people actually helped him do it. You're crazy. They're crazy."

"Mm. I read somewhere that all he best people were crazy," Kakashi said thoughtfully. "Or was it that all the best people are kinky…"

"It was probably porn," Sasuke said darkly with a scowl, then sighed. "At least you're not interested in Itachi."

"So," Kakashi said cheerfully, deciding to move on to a more fun topic. "Wanna see the wedding pictures?"

Sasuke twitched, apparently reaching his breaking point, then flashed through the signs for a fireball.

 _My genin are so cute,_ Kakashi thought fondly with a smile as he dodged.

 **~~Little Brother Frets About a Stalker's Intentions~~**

"Uchiha Sasuke," Neji greeted cordially. "What brings you here?"

Sasuke lifted up a large stack of papers. "Father says he needs Hiashi-sama to go through these. Preferably within the hour, if possible."

Neji arched an eyebrow. "Hiashi-sama will not be pleased."

With a roll of his eyes, Sasuke replied, "Well, Father said to say that it's his own fault for avoiding it for so long, and if he doesn't fill them out, then he can say bye-bye to his festival stall rights."

Neji might have cracked a small smile, upon hearing that it would annoy Hiashi. Only a small one though, being the Hyuuga he was. Stonily, he replied, "I will let him know."

"Great," Sasuke said. Now he could get back to planning how to neutralize Sakura. Neji was a decent enough guy and a great training partner, but a tad condescending even if they were casual acquaintances.

"By the way," Neji said before closing the door. "I think my teammate Lee has a crush on your female teammate. He saw her while your team was on a mission yesterday, and probably would have gone over there right there and then if I hadn't stopped him. Just a warning."

Sasuke froze. _Jackpot._ Slowly, a smirk spread across his face. "You wouldn't happen to know where he lives, do you?"

"Yes," Neji answered, then proceeded to tell him. "Why though?"

 _I don't think I should tell him about Itachi. It might be overheard here, and I_ have _to protect his virtue,_ Sasuke thought. "I simply figured if she gets a boyfriend she'll stop bothering me."

"I see," Neji said. "Still seems like too much effort to me though."

"What are you, a Nara?" Sasuke asked dryly. It couldn't be that difficult to get them together, could it? Sure, Sakura had a crush on both him and his brother, but if someone was madly in love with her, she would at least go on a date with him. Neji looked like he wanted to argue the point though, so Sasuke quickly searched around for a distraction. "Anyway, I figured you should know that your female teammate has a crush on you. You didn't hear it from me, though."

"You must be mistaken," Neji protested, surprise clear on his face. "She is a very serious kunoichi."

"So serious people can't fall in love now?" Sasuke retorted with a smirk. "Ino's cousin apparently tried to help her make a bento for you. Tenten was a bit reticent to share, but you know Yamanakas are good at finding information. And if she's correct you should be receiving a bento soon, once she can actually make a proper one."

"Well," Neji said, eyes furrowed. "Thank you for the information."

"No problem," Sasuke said cheerfully before heading out. He was in a good mood, he had found a way to get rid of Sakura, and may have just gotten rid of another potential threat as well. He hadn't heard anything about Tenten being in love with Itachi, but you could never be too sure.

"Sasuke-san!" someone called out as he exited out the gate of the Hyuuga compound.

Sasuke turned around to see one of his classmates, Hinata, approaching him. Wondering what she wanted, he asked, "Yes?"

"Um," Hinata started hesitantly, fiddling with a small box in her hands and a light blush on her cheeks.

 _She didn't turn into one of my fangirls, did she? Or is Naruto around? According to Neji, she always stalks him._ He hastily gave a discreet glance around, but to his dismay, no hint of orange could be found. _Damn it, Hinata, I had faith in you! How could you betray me like this?_

"I, um, that is –I want," Hinata stuttered, her blush increasing with every word.

 _Oh god, she has it bad,_ Sasuke thought, horrified. Somehow, Sakura and Ino had converted her. _Poor Hinata,_ he thought sympathetically, _what did they do to you?_

"Please give this to Itachi-san!" She finally managed to squeak out, holding out the little box. "As a-a token of th-thanks!"

 _What._ Sasuke thought hysterically, feeling the metaphorical bucket of cold water splashing over him, chilling him straight to the bones. What little joy he felt at knowing Hinata wasn't his fangirl was overwhelmed by the fact that she was Itachi's fangirl. Distantly, numbly, a part of his mind noted that the threat count had increased.

Taking his silence as a question, Hinata continued, "Ah, um. Itachi-san pointed m-me to some, um, useful books about h-herbs. S-so, I w-wanted to thank h-him. It's a balm f-for wounds."

"I see," Sasuke answered mechanically, accepting it. This was a disaster, this was danger – this needed to be dealt with right now before it evolved into something dangerous like love. _She must still have some feeling for Naruto, right? This can still be salvaged,_ he thought desperately, mind scrambling for a plan. _I've got to get rid of her somehow!_

"T-thanks, Sasuke-san," Hinata said gratefully.

"I should thank you for this too," Sasuke said quickly, before she could go away. "How about I treat you ramen? My team usually eats lunch there, so you can join me, Sakura, and Naruto."

Hinata's eye's widened. "A-are you s-sure?"

 _She still likes Naruto, even if it's just a little. I was worried that had been overshadowed by her attraction to Itachi,_ Sasuke thought in relief. _Good. If I can get Sakura to help and use Naruto as the bait for the trap, this will hopefully be a piece of cake._ "I wouldn't offer if I wasn't."

Hinata gave him a brilliant smile, clearly happy. "T-thank you!"

 **~~Youthfulness Addicts are Useless Even If Love Isn't~~**

Love. What a wonderful, wonderful, thing. Such beauty that she seemed to be a work of art, such loveliness in her bright green eyes, could such a wonder even exist? But she did, and he was in love. Yes, he, Rock Lee, was in love with the most beautiful girl in all of Konoha. If it were his choice, he would have rushed to her and professed his undying affections to her that very instant, but alas, his teammates were far too cruel and prevented him from accomplishing his wish.

Lee sighed, and wondered what he could. "I shall train harder," he mumbled. "Yes, I shall train harder and harder until the beautiful maiden has to notice me."

SLAM!

Lee immediately jumped to attention, wondering who had come in and dragged him from his thoughts. Perhaps Gai-sensei? Or Neji? Eagerly wondering if they were calling him for training, he quickly went to the door, but then furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

There was a boy around his age there, with dark hair and eyes, his expression neutral. Upon seeing Lee, however, for some strange reason his expression warped. His face paled suddenly, his eyes widened, his brows furrowed, and his mouth dropped. He even stumbled back a little.

"Yes?" Lee asked questioningly, wondering if the boy was well. He certainly looked ill? Did he need to be rushed to the hospital? Or maybe he needed to be taught the powers of youth? Yes, he decided, that had to be it.

Recovering somewhat, the boy asked faintly, "Are you… are you Neji's teammate? Rock Lee?"

Lee beamed. A possible new friend! How exciting, perhaps they could train together? He exclaimed, "Yes, I am Rock Lee! Have you come to celebrate your springtime of youth with me?"

The boy's eyebrows raised and he echoed blankly, "Springtime of youth?"

With a grin, Lee enthusiastically said, "So you do know what I'm talking about! Come, let us complete five hundred laps around Konoha with our legs tied, and if we fail, we'll do a thousand laps!"

Shaking his head, the boy took a step back and frowned, "You're the one that likes my teammate Sakura?"

Now Lee was confused. Sakura? Who was Sakura? Perhaps the boy had mistaken him for another Rock Lee? "I'm sorry, but I don't know anyone called Sakura?"

The boy stared, then said almost hopefully, "The pink haired girl you saw yesterday…?"

"Oh, yes, the maiden of dazzling beauty! Is her name Sakura? What a beautiful name. Ah, Sakura-san, I must apologize for never finding out your name. I shall do a thousand one-handed push-ups in punishments!" Lee declared, then immediately dropped down to begin doing just that, missing how the boy's shoulders slumped. Sakura was a great name, one that reflected the beauty of spring! _Yes,_ Lee thought dreamily, _they would be a great fit._

"You didn't even know her name," the boy said disbelievingly, then shook his head. He mumbled, voice a little shaky, "I can't believe I ever thought this possible."

"Nothing is impossible!" Lee declared confidently, still doing push-ups. "If you try hard enough, you will surely succeed."

The boy shook his head, distress clear on his face as he stumbled backwards, "You're beyond hope."

"Beyond hope for what? Don't just give up!" Lee protested. "To give up is a most unyouthful act, my dear comrade!"

"I had such high hopes for you," the boy bemoaned sadly, looking to be on the verge of tears. "But Sakura requires someone strong and skilled who looks smart, compliments her, gives her meaningful messages through flowers, takes her out on many dates, and recites poetry to her –you're just not it."

"What?!" Lee exclaimed, freezing in the middle of push-ups.

"Goodbye, Lee. If you want my advice, you should just give up," Sasuke said, voice colored with disappointment as he shut the door.

For a moment, Lee simply sat there, frozen. Was he to lose the maiden of spring so easily? No, decided, he couldn't. He would confess to her, and after professing his undying love, she would surely return it! Yes, he thought, that was what he, the youthful Rock Lee would do.

But perhaps he could take the boy's advice into account…

Nah, he decided, he would rather succeed with the Springtime of Youth! Yosh!

 **~~A Fangirl Likes to Scheme~~**

Sakura was excited. Super excited! Sasuke-kun had asked her for help. Her! Not Ino-pig, not his cousin or something, but her. Who wouldn't be hyper excited in her shoes? Not only that, but the plan would make sure that there would be one fewer obstacle on the path to her love! Plus, since it was only her and Sasuke-kun working together, could this possibly count as a _date?_

 _Hell yeah!_ Inner cheered. All through the day, she had subtly implemented her plan. Now the only thing left was taking care of Hinata.

Ah, what a wonderful life.

"Kakashi-sensei!" she called out cheerfully, looking towards the man. "You said it was alright if I leave a little early for lunch, right?"

"Hmm? Yes," Kakashi mumbled, not bothering to look up from his book. He waved distractedly with one hand. "Go ahead."

With a smile, Sakura chirped, "Thanks, Kakashi-sensei!"

"Eh? Sakura-chan, you're leaving?" Naruto said with disappointment. "Won't you join for lunch?"

Sakura's smile widened. She lied, "Sorry, I'm not sure. My parents have some guests over, but hopefully I can make it to Ichiraku's."

Kakashi looked up now, arching an eyebrow. Ah, that's right. She had told him something along the lines of a grand plan to curb Naruto's annoying tendencies to get him to allow her to leave early, hadn't she? Thankfully though, he didn't say anything.

"Wah, really?" Naruto said with disappointment.

"Yeah, see you later, Naruto, Sasuke-kun!" Sakura waved, and then nearly fainted Sasuke gave her a small nod.

 _He's counting on me!_ She thought, giddy with excitement as she walked. With each step she took, her will became resolute. Yes, for the sake of her beloved, for the sake of her Sasuke-kun, she definitely would not fail in this task!

 **~~Little Brother Meets a Confused Porn Reader~~**

"Yay! Finally done, so now we can have ramen. Hurray for team ramen!" Naruto cheered.

"Actually," Sasuke began with a bored tone, "Sakura told me she couldn't make it."

"What?!"

Sasuke nodded, and tried to hide his smirk. "Neither Kakashi nor I can make it either, since my father needs to discuss something with him, so you can go ahead after taking a quick shower. I already paid for a couple bowls of ramen, so you wouldn't want it to go to waste, now would you?"

"What, really? Thanks, Sasuke! I guess you're not that bad of a guy after all," Naruto said with a grin.

 _He really needs to stop grinning. It's annoying,_ Sasuke thought, then threw a packet at him. "Change into this. Sakura picked it out. You currently stink," he said blandly, lying. He had actually broken into Naruto's house and picked out the nicest clothes he could find since he knew perfectly well the only way Sakura would step into his apartment was over her dead cold body, but Naruto didn't need to know silly little details like that.

"Hey! You don't have to be so mean about it, bastard," Naruto grumbled.

"Don't be late, or the ramen might just get sold out," Sasuke said indifferently, and started dragging Kakashi away. He could hear Naruto swear something at him, but he didn't really pay attention.

Once they were out of earshot, Kakashi asked dryly, "Sasuke, I know for a fact your father has nothing to talk with me about, and both you and Sakura have been a little strange today. Plus, we're not heading towards your house or the Police Force, are we? So what are you up to this time?"

Sasuke frowned, stopping. "You noticed then. I suppose you would, considering you're a jounin. Since you already know, I might as well tell you."

"What is it, then?" Kakashi asked, sounding almost amused.

"You absolutely must not mention this to anyone, alright?" Sasuke said, looking at Kakashi seriously. Once the man nodded, he continued, "Hinata has a crush on Itachi, therefore she is a threat, and therefore this threat must be eliminated."

"What?" Kakashi said blankly, mind gearing to a stop.

"I know, right?" Sasuke agreed gloomily. This was so bad that even Kakashi couldn't believe it. "I don't understand what possessed her to crush on an Uchiha. She is a Hyuuga after all. I had _faith_ in her, and she betrayed me."

"That wasn't what I meant!" Kakashi protested.

Sasuke looked at him in confusion. "Then what did you mean?"

Kakashi placed his hands on Sasuke's shoulders and looked at him in his eyes. "Sasuke," he began slowly, patiently. "I know you view Hinata as a… 'threat', but going so far as to attempt to murder her is a going a tad too far, isn't it?"

"Who said I was going I was going to murder her?" Sasuke asked in confusion. "I'm only going to eliminate a threat."

Kakashi twitched. "Sasuke, since you are deliberately planning on a plan that will result in the death of a comrade, this is called 'premeditated murder', and is generally looked down on in society. Not only that but you dragged Sakura into–"

"Kakashi, in case you didn't notice, we're shinobi. Murder is a part of our society," Sasuke explained condescendingly, "And I don't know anything about any murders Sakura is planning."

His teacher just stared. "You just said you were going to eliminate Hinata. Eliminate means murder doesn't it?"

"What–! Of course not, eliminate means to remove something completely, and I'm going to eliminate the threat by making sure Naruto and Hinata end up together," Sasuke huffed, crossing his arms.

"Oh," Kakashi said awkwardly, rubbing his head sheepishly. "Oops?"

"Honestly Kakashi, you really shouldn't jump to such ridiculous conclusions due to such small things," Sasuke rebuked disapprovingly.

"Pot, kettle," Kakashi muttered, slouching. With a sudden frown, he asked, "Are you sure Sakura didn't misunderstand you too?"

"Of course not," Sasuke replied snappishly with a scowl, quite offended. "What's there even to misunderstand? Anyway, you've already made me late again. I have to hurry now since I need to make sure their date goes properly. Are you going to join me or not?"

Kakashi sighed, then began walking. He mumbled, "Somehow, I fear for the future."

Sasuke nodded seriously. "I know right? I'm rather worried about Itachi's fangirls too, Kakashi. We really have to do our best and protect him."

"That _really_ wasn't what I meant," was Kakashi's dry reply.

 **~~A Stalker Enjoys a Date with the Stalked~~**

 _This is bliss,_ Hinata thought happily, watching Naruto slurp at his ramen. _Complete, utter, bliss._ Who would have thought that due to various circumstances the other members of Team Seven could not participate in the lunch, and thereby leaving her alone with Naruto?

And Naruto had told her the ramen was free for her!

 _This, this can almost be called a date!_ She thought dreamily. Next time she saw Sasuke, she would have to make sure to thank him. Because not only was Naruto sitting beside her, but he was actually talking to her too!

"Oh yeah, Hinata-chan, you look really nice today," Naruto said with a smile, and Hinata's brain nearly short circuited.

A compliment. From _Naruto._ Thank god Sakura had told her about the others not being able to make it, otherwise she wouldn't have dressed this nice. She beamed, rather happy with herself that she hadn't fainted. In her opinion, it was quite the accomplishment."T-th-thank y-you, N-N-Naruto-kun. You l-look nice t-too," she said shyly.

"Thanks, Hinata-chan!" Naruto replied, then went to eat some more ramen. "The food here is really good right?"

"M-mm," Hinata nodded. _This is a once in a lifetime opportunity,_ she thought. _I have to talk to Naruto properly!_ "Um, do y-you come h-here o-often?"

"Yeah, whenever I can! The ramen is just too amazing, you know. Hey, I know you got miso this time, but next time if we come here again, you should try the tonkotsu one," Naruto said enthusiastically.

"N-N-Next time?" Hinata squeaked, praying that it meant what she hoped it did.

"Yeah. You don't mind eating with me right?" Naruto asked, suddenly sounding hesitant and a little unsure.

Hinata shook her head. "Of course not!" she answered, then hesitated herself. _I have to take the chance!_ "Um, when do y-you want t-to m-meet a-again?"

"How about tomorrow for lunch then?" Naruto asked.

Hinata's eyes widened. Naruto wanted to meet her again so quickly?! She squeaked, "S-so soon?"

"Is the timing bad?" Naruto asked obliviously.

"N-no! It's p-perfect," Hinata said quickly before Naruto could change his mind. Her crush gave her a wide grin that nearly made Hinata melt into a puddle of goo. Happy goo, she corrected.

He said enthusiastically, "Great! Looking forward to it, Hinata-chan!"

Hinata could only give a dopey smile in response, too overrun with delight to speak. _Yes,_ she thought happily, _This is the life._

 **~~A Fangirl's Happiness Is Ruined~~**

 _They could actually make a cute couple,_ Sakura thought almost fondly as she watched them, hidden on a rooftop nearby. Thanks to her subtly coaching Naruto on how to treat a girl throughout the day, it seemed he hadn't messed up the date yet. She smirked. Soon, Naruto would be out of the picture and she would have Sasuke-kun all to herself!

"See!" a sudden voice said behind her. "I told you she wouldn't misunderstand."

"Sasuke-kun!" she whispered happily, eyes lighting up as he approached. "You made it." _But I wish you didn't bring Kakashi-sensei with you, because then it would have almost been like a date for us too._

Kakashi slouched and grumbled, "Hold on. Sakura, one question. You weren't planning on assassinating anyone were you? You didn't misunderstand anything Sasuke said did you?"

"Of course not!" she said quickly, her smile rather fixed. Like hell she was telling Kakashi that she had almost thought Sasuke was asking her to kill Hinata in the beginning.

Sasuke, oblivious to her inner thoughts, gave Kakashi a smug look. "So there!"

The jounin looked at her suspiciously, but sighed in the end. "Well, all's well that ends well, I suppose."

"Exactly," she agreed, relieved. "Now, are you helping us make sure this goes properly or not?"

"Well," Kakashi mused. "I'd rather spend time with my waifu."

Sakura blinked, perturbed. Kakashi did not just say what she thought he did. "Your what?"

"Trust me," Sasuke said with a shudder. "Don't ask."

With a shrug, Sakura came over. It was probably something perverted anyway. Now, she and Sasuke just needed to work together and make sure that Naruto and Hinata became a couple. And who knew, perhaps they themselves would fall in love on the way as well!

But alas, that was not to be, for disaster struck the next morning.

"C-Rank! C-Rank! Yay, we got a C-Rank!" Naruto cheered as they walked out the Hokage Tower. It seemed that not even being insulted by that drunk old man could dampen Naruto's spirits.

Sakura glowered. While she was rather sick and tired of D-ranks too, how could Naruto do this at such a crucial moment in the development of his relationship with Hinata?! "Hey, Naruto," she began darkly. "Weren't you supposed to meet with Hinata-chan today? How will you do that if we head out in two hours?"

Naruto froze, nearly tripping over himself. "Eep! D-ranks sucked so much I totally forgot about it. I'll have to tell Hinata-chan sorry when we get back then."

With a twitch, a murderous aura began to surround Sakura. _That absolute, moronic, stupid, idiot!_ She fumed. _Is he trying to undo all our hard work?_ "Naruto," she growled, grabbing the back of his jacket.

"S-Sakura-chan?" Naruto squeaked as he met her eyes. "I don't know what I did, but pleasedontkillme!"

"You," Sakara said slowly, "Are going to get her flowers, give them to her, then get down on your knees and fucking apologize to her and _promise_ to meet up after the mission is over. Understood?"

Naruto nodded frantically, eyes darting around for a rescue, but Sasuke and Kakashi were already long gone, their survival instincts working properly, unlike a certain idiot.

"I asked, is that understood?" Sakura hissed, a second away from punching in Naruto's face.

"Understood, understood!" Naruto said hastily, covering his head.

"Good. Now follow me. We're going to Ino's shop," Sakura commanded, marching away. She couldn't exactly leave Naruto to choose the flowers now could she? Who knew what he would pick and he might just send Hinata a rejection message. For this, she would even confront Ino again.

 _This, s_ he thought grimly, _is for the greater good._

 **~~A Blonde Rethinks Her Wish~~**

Sometimes, it just got a bit boring in the flower shop. There honestly wasn't much to do, and she was simply so used to everything that even the fun things weren't fun anymore. Ino sighed and said wistfully, "Man, I wish something interesting would happen like maybe Sasuke-kun coming here."

The bell rang as the door open, and instantly Ino became alert, and started to greet them before she froze.

There, in all her pink furious glory, was Sakura. Behind her, Uzumaki stood quivering, nervously looking around then sending her a pleading look. For what, she had no idea, but assumed that Uzumaki being Uzumaki had done something to piss off Sakura again.

 _Be careful what you wish for,_ she thought with some exasperation. "I take it back," she muttered, before pasting on a fake smile. "Welcome, customers! Whatever brings you lot here on this fine, fine day?"

 _Help me,_ Uzumaki mouthed, his eyes still nervous.

"We're here on business," Sakura said shortly. "He needs an apology bouquet."

Ino arched an eyebrow, getting a little curious. Her problems with Sakura aside, gossip was still gossip, and she loved gossip. "For what?"

"He had a prior engagement with Hinata that he now needs to back out off due to a mission," Sakura said poisonously, glaring at Uzumaki. "A mission that was _his_ fault in the first place."

"Ah," Ino said sympathetically, understanding immediately. So poor Hinata had finally made a move, only to be blocked by Uzumaki's obliviousness. Getting out from behind the counter, she beckoned them towards a rack of flowers. Sure, she and Sakura weren't exactly on good terms right now, but she just couldn't help but feel sorry for Hinata. That's all it was, she told herself. "First, we'll need some sweet peas, which mean goodbye…"

Ino didn't look back at Sakura, and instead focused on arranging the bouquet, explaining the meaning of each of the flowers and how they worked together to form an apology. When she was finally done she handed it over to Uzumaki, giving the bouquet one last glance. _Yeah,_ she thought, nodding in satisfaction. _I'm good._ "Hey, Uzumaki, be sure to apologize properly, got it? Hinata-chan is a bit delicate, so be sure not to accidentally hurt her."

Uzumaki nodded, a bit calmer now that Sakura had also stopped looking like she was going to break down a wall or cave in a few ribs. He smiled as he gave her the money, "Thanks! I really hope I don't make Hinata upset or anything."

"Yeah," Ino replied easily as she lead them out. "Good luck!"

With a sigh, she went back to the counter glancing at the time. Her eyes widened. "Damn, my shift was over five minutes ago." Where on earth was her cousin who was supposed to take the next shift? Did she fall asleep again?

The bell rang again, and Ino frowned. She didn't want to deal with anymore customers. Maybe she should just call for her cousin.

Then _he_ entered.

Dark hair, dark eyes, pale skin, and a small smile on his lips.

Ino's breath caught. Not Sasuke, but someone who was good eye candy nonetheless.

Then his smile widened, and he said those words.

"Hello, Beautiful."

Okay, so the guy just got upgraded from being eye candy.

 _I'm sorry Sasuke-kun!_ Ino apologized in her mind as she blushed. _But I think I have another crush!_

 **~~An Idiot Entirely Misunderstands a Situation~~**

"And so you see Hinata-chan, I'm really, really, sorry, but I can't just take back the mission! I'm really sorry and I hope that you can please forgive me," Naruto said earnestly as he handed her the bouquet.

Hinata had a dazed look on her face as she accepted, and her teammates stood a little distance away. For some reason, their teacher had insisted on leaving the two of them alone, though not too alone, whatever that meant.

"You g-gave me f-flowers," Hinata muttered, her voice shaky as she looked at them with bewilderment. Her breathing was a little fast, and her face was slightly red.

 _She must be really upset if she's not happy with the flowers. Or is she just being weird again? I thought Sakura-chan said this was supposed to make things better! This is all my fault,_ Naruto thought guiltily, as he shuffled his feet. _Damn, what else can I do?_

As Hinata continued to stand frozen, a sudden thought occurred to Naruto. _That's right!_ He thought. _I still have_ that _left._ Naruto dropped to his knees and pressed his head to the ground. "Please forgive me, Hinata-chan! I promise to meet up with you for ramen when I come back!"

He could make Hinata releasing a strangled noise, and a tad curious, he lifted his head slightly and peeked out from under his bangs to see her legs trembling. "Hinata-chan? Are you alright?" he asked in concern, afraid that she was going to be really angry.

Hinata swayed, and Naruto just managed to move quickly enough to catch her in his arms as she fell. Oh wow, she was angry enough to make her fall! This could be dangerous. Or wait, what if she was ill? "Hinata-chan?! Hinata-chan!"

In the distance, he could hear her teammates running closer, while in his arms, she fluttered her eyes open. Her eyes fell on him and she squeaked, "N-N-N-Naruto-kun!"

"Hinata-chan! What happened?" he asked frantically. "Are you sick? Are you still angry? I'm sorry, Hinata-chan!"

Hinata's face turned redder if possible, and then she slumped.

"Hinata-chan!"

"Naruto-kun," a soft voice called out to him. He looked up to see her teacher, and behind her, Hinata's teammates. Kiba looked like he was angry enough to rip his head off.

His eyes widened. "I'm really sorry! I don't what happened but I think Hinata got so mad that she knocked herself unconscious! Or maybe she caught a cold or something."

The three of them stared at him, then Kurenai-sensei's mouth twitched.

"What," Kiba said flatly. "Are you _blind."_

Naruto looked blankly at Kiba in confusion. "No, I don't think so?"

Kurenai sighed, then smiled gently at him. "Naruto-kun, I'm sure Hinata's not angry at you, so you should go ahead alright?"

"But–" Naruto started to protest.

"It's fine Naruto," Kurenai said firmly, and despite Naruto's reluctance, he was forced away.

Gloomily, he approached the gate, where the rest of the team except Kakashi were waiting. "Hey," he said, sounding depressed.

"Well," Sakura said impatiently, looking at him with suspicion.

He winced. "I tried, but I think I did something wrong because Hinata became really red in the face and either knocked herself out or was ill and so became unconscious."

Sakura arched an eyebrow then exchanged a glance with Sasuke. "So she fainted," she concluded, and surprisingly, she actually relaxed.

The old man looked at him dubiously. "Isn't that what you call –Ow!" he yelped as Sakura unceremoniously stepped on his foot.

"Ops," she said a giggle. "My foot slipped."

"That's fine then," Sasuke said simply.

Naruto gaped at him, indignant. Hinata was possibly struck by a deadly fever, and he was acting like that? "Look, bastard–"

"Naruto-kun!"

Naruto's head whipped around to see Hinata approaching in a run. Abruptly, a relieved smile crossed his face and he said enthusiastically, "Hinata-chan! You're okay."

"I w-wanted to let you k-know it's o-okay," Hinata mumbled with a blush. "And um, please a-accept this camellia." She handed Naruto a white flower. "It, um, means t-that I'll be w-waiting."

Naruto beamed brightly. So she wasn't mad after all, and had given Naruto a pretty flower, too. Hinata-chan was really nice, unlike the other girls. "I can't wait to be back. Thanks, Hinata!"

 **~~Little Brother is Murderous, Along With His Team~~**

"Hey, do you have a sister called Itachi by any chance? She's kinda hot."

The mission was going to be a hindrance, had been Sasuke's immediate conclusion. C-ranks took longer, and that meant he wouldn't be able to protect Itachi from domestic threats as thoroughly. Currently, the only threat on that front that was looking to be a possible failure would be Lee and Sakura's case. All other threats he had recognized were either dealt with, in the process of being eliminated, or catalogued for Shisui to deal with. And how many had he dealt with so far? Well, not counting Kakashi or Hinata, he had dealt with eight others. Some of them had been members of Itachi's official fan club, while others had been clan members.

Ah, yes, Izumi. He had been aware of her crush on Itachi for a long time, but thankfully Itachi didn't seem to be interested in her. But he knew that Nobuo's son had a crush on her according to Shisui, so he set up a blind date for them before he left. Although he wouldn't be able to see the results, he hoped it turned out well.

But right now, he wouldn't mind it ending in complete and utter disaster if this guy would just _drop dead._

Everyone stood frozen, staring at him, wondering what he would say. By now, everyone on his team knew something of his protective tendencies over his brother, even if Sakura and Naruto weren't quite aware of the extent.

He looked at the blue fishlike guy, not quite snapped yet, though very close. They had been attacked by some weak chunin on the way, but this… fishman was so much more annoying. Sasuke narrowed his eyes dangerously, and asked, "What did you just say? I'm afraid I didn't quite catch that."

"Sasuke–" Kakashi started nervously.

"I'm asking if you have a sister called Itachi. She's super-hot, especially when she's trying to murder me," the fishman continued on blithely, unaware or intentionally ignoring the steadily rising intensity of Sasuke's glare. Dreamily, he mused, "Man, it was love at first fight. She was so beautiful slicing those people to ribbons, even if those were supposed to be my allies. I tried proposing to her there, but for some reason she got really mad and tried killing me instead. She's sooo cute!"

Sasuke growled. _This fish is going to die._ Distantly, he could hear his teammates make a strangled sort of sound.

"Did you just activate your Sharingan from that," Kakashi muttered, sounding impressed, but that too, was but a distant realization in his mind.

"Aw, is that your killing intent? Don't worry, you're cute too, though in a more chibi type of way," the fishman chattered on cheerfully.

"Firstly, Itachi is guy, so take your bullshit and shove it elsewhere, and secondly, how dare you fucking look upon my brother with your unworthy eyes," Sasuke hissed.

The fishman frowned. "Hmm, so she's a guy? Well, whatever, he's still the love of my life! And if he's not gay, then I'll just use the secret gender changing jutsu of Kirigakure!" the fishman proclaimed as he made some signs with his hand, causing a small poof as he changed genders.

Team Seven could only stare.

Kakashi recovered first and managed to say, "What is _wrong_ with you."

Naruto was next. Enraged, he accused, "This is just a rip off of my Oiroke no Jutsu, bastard!"

Then Sakura yelled, "Wear a goddamned bra before transforming!"

 _That's right,_ Sasuke thought with annoyance. Since the fishman hadn't been wearing a shirt before, he was still topless now, revealing him or her in all her naked blue glory. Though Sasuke supposed he couldn't exactly be called a fish _man_ anymore. So, fishwoman? Fishgirl? Whatever, Sasuke would just call him a fish. "What exactly are you trying to do?"

"Ah, that's right! Do you know where Itachi is right now? I really must hurry and propose to him," the fish blathered on.

 _I have sixteen explosive tags in my pocket, enough wire to string him up by his feet, and know four Katon jutsu,_ Sasuke reminded himself as he tensed. _He_ will _die._

Suddenly, Sasuke could feel another murderous aura rise near his own. His eyes flickered to see Sakura practically smoking. She growled threateningly, "Why the hell do you have a bigger chest than me when you're not even a girl?"

"And what's with the messed up Oiroke no Jutsu anyway?" Naruto added with a frown.

The fish shrugged carelessly. "I'm just that good. And I don't know what this 'Oiroke no Jutsu' is, but it obviously sucks in comparison to this."

Sakura and Naruto both twitched, and Naruto's murderous aura rose to match his teammates.

Kakashi sighed and lamented, "I did not teach you guys killing intent."

"Hey, kid, does Itachi like poetry? Cause I practiced some. Here, listen to it and tell me if he'll like it," the fish cleared it's throat and started, "Itachi, Itachi, with your eyes so dark, please let me take you to the park. Itachi, Itachi, with your hair like night, why it makes me all bright. Itachi, Itachi–"

"Fish don't sing, and if they did, they wouldn't sing corny poems," Sasuke muttered darkly, twitching, but Kisame did not stop. He called, "Sakura."

"Yes?" she asked, her eyes still locked on the fish.

"How well do you know how to cook a fish?" he asked with a gleam in his eyes.

"It does go well with ramen doesn't it?" Naruto added, for once catching on.

Sakura smiled predatorily. "Pretty well. Why, Sasuke-kun?"

Kakashi, guessing where this was going, tried to stop them. "Guys, I'm telling you, do not try to–"

"Because we're going to have fish fry for dinner," Sasuke answered with his own smirk. In that moment, he and his teammates were perfectly in sync.

This _is my team,_ Sasuke thought smugly. _We should call ourselves the Uchiha Itachi protection squad._

Sakura cracked her knuckles threateningly, and Naruto called out a couple dozen Shadow Clones.

And Sasuke? He went straight for kill and took out the explosive tags.

 **~~The Porn Reader Is Actually a Responsible Adult~~**

"The good news is," Kakashi said bracingly as he watched his genin attack the missing-nin. "They seem to have gotten over their teamwork issue. The bad news is that they really need to learn to listen to me."

"You ninja are crazy," their client, Tazuna, squeaked as yet another explosion rocked the ground.

"And, of course," Kakashi continued, ignoring him. "That they're doing it while fighting an S-rank missing-nin. At least said missing-nin seems to be only interested in Itachi. Honestly, I can't believe that Sasuke's overprotective tendencies are actually necessary. What is the world coming to? Why, when I was a genin–"

BOOM!

 _There goes another exploding tag,_ Kakashi noted, a little disturbed. That was the eleventh one now. How many did they bring?

Tazuna said with a little annoyance, "Hey can you guys be a little more careful? I'm afraid you guys might cause an earthquake."

 _Hey, that was pretty good fireball,_ Kakashi mused as Kisame dodged another one.

He then sighed. As amusing as this was, he supposed that as a responsible adult, he had a duty to intervene. Hm, but it would be more believable if someone else carried out the plan right? But unfortunately, his cute little genin simply weren't listening to his orders anymore. And that left… His eyes darted left and he smirked.

A couple seconds later, Tazuna called out, "Oi, angsty brat! I know you really want fish fry for dinner in revenge for him slighting your brother or whatever, but what are you worrying about? Isn't he in Yuki no Kuni right now or something?"

Sasuke whipped his face around to give him a betrayed look, while Kisame grinned.

"Thanks, old man! No need to kill you since you helped, I guess!" Kisame chirped cheerfully, then gleefully started to escape, probably off to find Itachi.

"You–!" Three enraged genin tried to go after him, only to be stopped by Kakashi and his clones, which quickly caught them. Sakura and Naruto calmed down easily enough, though they still sulked, but Sasuke was a different matter.

"That motherfucking bastard! Let me at him, Kakashi! I'll string his innards up to decorate my god damned room and stuff his head and hang it in the living room! I'll make him fucking regret ever even looking at Itachi! I'll castrate him then stuff it in his mouth and rip his fucking limbs off and shove them up his damned ass and–" Sasuke ranted on and on, and Kakashi had to admit that this was probably hardest time he'd had trying to restrain a genin.

 _Hey, that's a little creative, if anatomically impossible,_ Kakashi noted absently as Sasuke described just how Kisame could go fuck off. _I'll have to remember that._

"Are you sure _he_ won't kill me?" Tazuna asked apprehensively as he eyed Sasuke, looking a little green. He had chased away the object of Sasuke's anger after all.

Meanwhile Sasuke continued to yell, and –was Sakura actually taking notes? Yes, yes she was. That girl was obsessed with Sasuke, but Kakashi had to admit that some of what Sasuke was saying was noteworthy.

"I will have my revenge!" Sasuke shrieked.

"Nope," Kakashi finally answered Tazuna cheerfully. After all, what Sasuke chose to do was his own choice.

Tazuna protested, "But you said–"

"Sasuke, calm down. Itachi's not in Yuki no Kuni. Tazuna lied to chase him away. Itachi's somewhere down south by the way," he said casually.

Sasuke stopped and stared at him. He said slowly, "You were protecting Itachi."

"Yup," Kakashi lied. Actually he just didn't want to deal with an S-rank missing-nin, but Sasuke didn't need to know silly little things like that.

Sasuke almost beamed. "I knew I could count on you, Kakashi! From now on, I'll be sure to rely on you too."

 _Why do I get the feeling I simply made it worse for myself?_

 **~~Little Brother Is Xenophobic~~**

"We get to enter the Chunin Exams? That's great, now I can finally show everyone how awesome all my jutsu are!" Naruto said enthusiastically. After completing the Wave mission, they had returned to Konoha, and a few days later, Kakashi told them about the Chunin Exams.

 _This really is great,_ Naruto thought happily. Everyone from the Academy might be there, and if they got promoted they would be able to get higher paying missions as well. And if he managed to encounter that… _fish_ again, he would make sure to destroy it, for the sake of the team.

"Hey, bastard, I bet I'll be Chunin before you!" Naruto bragged, turning to look at Sasuke. He waited for a reply but there was none. Sasuke simply stood frozen, his eyes wide. Naruto stared at Sasuke, confused. Surely he wasn't that shocked by Naruto's remark, was he? "…Sasuke?"

"Did I accidently break him?" Kakashi mused, sounding intrigued. "But how did that happen?"

Sakura waved a hand in front of Sasuke, looking concerned. "Are you okay, Sasuke-kun?"

Sasuke's mouth moved, but no words came out.

"Oi, bastard, what happened?" Naruto asked, getting a little concerned when Sasuke didn't reply. The bastard always had a smart remark to anything he said, so to hear him say nothing was a little worrying. Did Sasuke swallow his tongue or something?

Finally, Sasuke managed to whisper out in a strangled tone of voice, " _It's foreign threats."_

Naruto stared blankly at Sasuke. "You're not making any sense, you know. Did you skip your daily ritual of bastardliness or something?"

Sasuke shook his head, still dazed. "I… I have to go."

"What about the Exams, bastard?" Naruto protested.

"Of course I'll enter," Sasuke muttered distractedly. "We all need to. We have to protect him from them after all."

"Protect who? And who's them?" Naruto asked, getting a little annoyed at not understanding anything.

But it seemed Sasuke wasn't paying attention anymore. He merely turned around to go, mumbling all the while. "Yes," he said, lost in his thoughts. "I'll be needing back up… And where the hell is Shisui anyway…"

 **~~A Snake Bites off More Than He Can Chew~~**

 _Wah, Uchiha's are so cute,_ Orochimaru mused as he giddily observed the proceedings. He was after one Uchiha in particular, the second child of the Clan Head. He would have dearly loved to have Shisui or Itachi in his grasp, but alas, they were a tad too strong for him to deal with. Not to mention, they were a bit old, too. Uchiha Sasuke, on the other hand, was just perfect. Absolutely perfect. His spies had informed him of the boy's talents, and while he certainly wasn't on the same level as Itachi, he had potential, potential Orochimaru knew he could make bloom. All he had to do was offer the boy power. After all, since all Uchihas lusted after power, it was sure to be a piece of cake.

Now he just had to mark the boy with a curse seal, and then wait for it to do its work in upsetting the boy's emotional balance. After that, the boy would easily come to him. Now where was the boy, anyway? Ah yes, over there.

Hmm, but it seemed the boy wasn't alone. Well, he would simply have to make sure that the other two did not interfere. _Messing around with hapless genin is always so fun,_ he thought with a giggle as he started. _They're so adorable when they're running around in fear. So, so adorable!_ However, it would be more fun if he could really push the Uchiha to his extreme.

What to do, what to do…

Hm, maybe he could threaten his teammates or family? Nah, too boring. Maybe threaten to burn the forest down? But that would cause too much attention. Oh, perhaps he could use a particularly scary genjutsu? But he did that already.

Decisions, decisions…

 _Oh!_ _I can do_ that. _Uchihas always get a little angsty when I imply they're not good enough, don't they?_ Orochimaru grinned. He was having so much fun, he really should invade Chunin Exams more often.

"What do you want with Sasuke-kun?!" the pink haired girl yelled, and what a strange color that was. He knew of a clan that used to live on the sea that had pink hair who used to sacrifice pretty dark-haired people to the sea. Was that the reason for her obsession with Uchiha? Hm, she could be interesting but right then he really needed to spirit away Sasuke. Best look that up sometime.

"Hm," he pondered lazily in reply to her question, pretending to think about it. "I want his body."

For a moment, they froze, simply staring at him.

"What," the girl said flatly, somewhat repulsed.

Orochimaru giggled. He had nooo idea why people did that whenever he said that, but their reaction was always so funny. "Sasuke-kun's body is so pretty and strong, and he has such beautiful eyes! How could I not want it?"

"You absolute sicko," the girl snarled, looking murderous.

Aw, how cute. Murderous genin. Wah, they had no idea how adorable they looked with their pathetic attempts. How he wished he could video this, but unfortunately, budget cuts stated he couldn't hire a camera crew whenever he wanted anymore. He giggled again. "Mm-hmm. He is very nice, but I wanted someone else first. I would have preferred to have that Itachi boy or maybe Shisui, but they're both rather elusive," Orochimaru said with a pout.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. He said flatly, with a sudden sharp spike in his killing intent, "You made a move on my brother?"

"Why, yes," Orochimaru practically sang. He had tried so hard to get Itachi, but the child was simply too slippery. "But he doesn't like me, which is rather sad. But you, Sasuke. You have so much potential that I can make bloom, but if you stay here, you'll wither away. Won't you accept my gift to you?"

The boy said slowly, "You still want my brother, don't you."

"Only if you don't beat me here," Orochimaru said with a giggle. Baiting little genin really was a fun pastime. _Now Sasuke,_ he thought with glee, _show me what you can do! "_ Let's see if you're better than your brother, hm?"

"I'll do better than that," the boy snarled, taking exploding tags out of his pocket. His Sharingan spun with his anger. "I'll fucking murder you then feed your corpse to the messenger hawks!"

Orohimaru almost bounced with excitement. He couldn't wait to see what Sasuke had in store for him.

A few minutes later, Orochimaru was giddily laughing. Sasuke was all that he hoped the boy would be and more. His style was ferocious and quite impressive for a genin, plus the boy hadn't gone down even after he had been given the curse mark. Orochimaru had to personally knock him out and the boy still tried to punch him in his unconscious state. _Yes,_ he thought happily, _this is perfect!_

Then, suddenly, he felt _his_ presence. Oh dear, this could be a problem.

"Orochimaru," Uchiha Itachi said softly, Sharingan spinning madly and promising death and murder and destruction. "What exactly do you think you're doing with my brother?"

 _I don't think having fun is a proper answer here,_ Orochimaru thought with some annoyance. Itachi always ruined his fun. Instead, he answered with a smirk, "Running away," before doing just that.

Dealing with a murderous Itachi simply wasn't worth it, everybody knew that.

 **~~Brothers Bond Over Murder Plans~~**

As soon as Sasuke's match was over, he immediately came over to his brother, bypassing Shisui and his team entirely. "Are you alright, brother?" Sasuke fretted anxiously, eyes flickering as he tried to spot any damage.

 _Not even a hello,_ Shisui thought mournfully, then frowned. Had Sasuke been awake when Itachi had appeared? No, he was sure Sasuke had been unconscious by then. That meant that Sasuke didn't know Itachi had fought Orochimaru, and he was _still_ this worried. _Better not tell him what happened, or he'd probably try to track down Orochimaru and kill him himself. At least Sasuke's okay. Though I get the feeling I'm forgetting something important…_

"Are _you_ alright? You were the one attacked," Itachi pointed out.

Sasuke nodded, then gave Itachi a relieved hug. "You really have to be careful, Itachi," he said as he stepped back.

"I should be saying that you," Itachi said fondly. "That missing-nin is dangerous, and if you see him again, be sure to avoid him if possible, alright?"

" _You_ should avoid him too, brother! He's a threat to your virtue," Sasuke warned with concern, then turned to Shisui. "Make sure to keep Itachi away from that pervert."

Shisui and Itachi blinked, then glanced at each other. Sure, Orochimaru was dangerous, but a threat to his virtue, of all things? Shisui asked curiously, "What exactly did he do?"

Sasuke eyes darkened, and he scowled. "That pervert said he wanted to capture Itachi and do unspeakable things to his body. He probably wanted to turn you into a sex slave or something and keep you locked in a dark, dark, dungeon! It's sacrilege, I tell you, sacrilege! How dare he cast his unworthy eyes upon Itachi and think such things?" Sasuke ranted. Then, as if an afterthought, he glanced at Shusui added flippantly, "He mentioned being after you too, but that's not really important."

"I feel so loved," Shisui said dryly. On the bright side, at least Sasuke trusted him with protecting his own virtue, unlike Itachi. "I'm guessing that Orochimaru said something about wanting his body?"

"Yeah."

Shisui shared a glance with Itachi. So Sasuke hadn't quite realized what Orochimaru had actually meant. However… "Hold on a sec, I thought Orochimaru was after _you."_

Sasuke waved his hand dismissively. "Oh yeah, he mentioned something like that."

Itachi tensed, then said softly, "I'm going to murder him. Painfully. With Tsukoyomi."

 _And there are the overprotective tendencies,_ Shisui thought fondly. Out of the corner of his eye, he noted Kakashi approaching. The nagging feeling of having forgotten something returned full force.

"I'll kill him if you don't," Sasuke assured. "We just have to track him down first."

Shisui arched an eyebrow. "Er, Sasuke, you'd have to get into the Hunter-nin division first."

"I don't need to be a hunter-nin," Sasuke said confidently. "Kakashi's skilled at tracking, right? I'll make him help. Right, Kakashi?"

"As wonderful as it is to hear my cute little student plotting a kill, I'll have to take care of that little seal first," Kakashi deadpanned. "Seriously, as much I'm proud of you two finally inheriting my lateness, this really isn't the time. You were supposed take him to the sealing room fifteen minutes ago."

"That's what it was!" Shisui exclaimed in realization. "I knew I was forgetting something."

 **~~Cousin Is Getting Tired Of Getting Surprised~~**

 _Is he really doing this?_

Generally, Shisui didn't have this thought of incredulous disbelief often. But lately, that feeling had been reoccurring more than that was recommended in the guide to living a healthy, not insane life.

First it was Sasuke. Shisui had gone along with Sasuke's plan since he knew it would be amusing like last time when Sasuke nearly set the house on fire, but he hadn't actually thought that Sasuke of all people would actually come up with the solution of setting up potential love interests. But much to his surprise, Sasuke had attacked this problem with a vengeance, and by now he had already set up dozens of people, despite his own social issues. Shisui made a mental note to never, ever underestimate Sasuke's obsession with Itachi again. It was damn scary what the kid could do if the motivation was Itachi.

And speaking of Itachi, there lay his next problem. Itachi loved Sasuke, so when Shisui had basically told Itachi that Sasuke might be starting to get interested in girls and whatnot, he was expecting more entertainment. He thought it would be fun, to watch Itachi watch Sasuke interact with Itachi's fangirls and misinterpret it (not that Shisui had been planning to convince Itachi that it was so, no, why do you ask?), but no. Itachi came up with the _exact same plan_ as Sasuke. Well, nobody could claim they weren't brothers, at least. Not only that, but Itachi was also strangely successful when it came to setting others up, despite being socially awkward when it came to himself. He had set several people up too, including that Yamanaka girl and that Root agent, –though Shisui had no idea how he managed that while being out of Konoha –but he was annoyed at not having a chance to deal with Sakura and Orochimaru yet.

Oh god, Orochimaru. Like seriously, what was up with that man? Shisui hadn't actually met him in person after his defection, but he had noticed that that the man was a tad odd. But then when he had met him in the forest and later in the sealing room, his thoughts had been of sheer disbelief. The man was so ridiculous that it was downright creepy. When Sasuke had first told his interpretation of Orochimaru's words, Shisui had dismissed it, thinking that it was a mere misinterpretation. Considering the way Orochimaru spoke and looked at Sasuke though, there was no doubting Sasuke's observations.

Considering how those situations had surprised him, he was surprised that he managed to get surprised in this situation. But then again, he may have been secretly spying on his baby cousin during part of the Chunin exams, and therefore may or may not have observed Haruno's rejecting of Rock Lee, and considering that…

Still, just to make sure his eyes weren't fooling him, he turned on his Sharingan. _Still there,_ he thought with a grimace. _And now the sight is seared into my eyes._

"How the hell do you expect me to believe that Rock Lee and Sasuke's biggest fangirl Sakura are on a date?" he muttered, arms crossed as he glared at the couple sitting across the street at the café. This could only be one person's doing, and sure enough, he spotted Itachi spying on them from a rooftop. With a small huff, he Shunshin'd to his side. " _What_ are you doing Itachi?"

"I can't deal with Orochimaru right now, so I'm dealing problems I can deal with right now," Itachi explained, giving him that look that stated that he was confused as to why Shisui would such an obvious question.

"You know what, that's not even important," Shisui informed him. "How are you doing it? I know the Haruno girl would never ever agree to a date with him, and now she looks like she's enjoying it."

Itachi only gave a small shrug, and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. "Trade secret. And I'm busy, Shisui. Go away if you aren't going to help."

With narrowed eyes, Shisui looked at Itachi with suspicion. "You didn't use genjutsu or anything illegal, did you?"

Itachi studiously didn't look at him.

Shisui blinked. Itachi had totally done something illegal. "You know what?" Shisui said at last. "I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear anything." And with that, Shisui leapt down.

 _I'm just going to go to my apartment and chill,_ Shisui decided. Before he could do that though, he was suddenly stopped by a blushing young girl. She looked like the shy type, fiddling nervously with her long dark hair, but there seemed to be a determined glint in her eyes.

"Um, excuse me, Uchiha-san, I would like a moment of your time," she managed to squeak out.

Putting on a winning smile as he shoved aside a growing suspicion, he asked charmingly, "Yes?"

She fell into a steep bow and asked, "Please help me convince Sasuke-san to help me!"

Shisui's smile froze. "With what?" he asked carefully.

"I, I've heard that Sasuke-san has helped several people find their true love and confess, so I would like his help too! Please, Uchiha-san!" she pleaded, still in the bow.

 _What,_ was Shisui's only thought.

 **~~The Porn Reader Can Be A Teacher Too~~**

"Let's see, Izumi… her date went pretty well, and they've become an official boyfriend girlfriend duo. Hm, then there was Anko? I set her up with the dango maker in the south district, so that's good too," Sasuke mumbled as he scribbled something on the paper. "That Iwa girl had looked at Itachi, so maybe I should try setting her up with one of her teammates."

That was the sight that Kakashi had entered to. He coughed, but was entirely ignored.

"Sasuke," Kakashi said finally when he didn't respond.

"Can't you see I'm busy?" Sasuke retorted grumpily.

"With what, exactly?"

Sasuke glared. "With protecting Itachi's virtue, of course! It's not like I have the strength to murder Orochimaru yet, so I'm just doing what I can."

 _Aren't those two brothers a little too obsessed with each other to be healthy?_ Kakashi mused. _Ah, well, not my problem. Yet, anyway._ "Shouldn't you be training for the exams though?"

"No," Sasuke replied promptly, losing interest in him as he scribbled on the paper again.

Kakashi arched an eyebrow. Usually, he would let Sasuke do whatever, but as his student in the finals, Sasuke couldn't just give a decent showing, he had to give an awesome one. He gave a dramatic sigh and made a move to walk out as he opened the door. "In that case, I suppose you don't want to learn an A-rank assassination jutsu that could potentially kill Orochimaru then."

In a flash, the door slammed shut, and a very irate Sasuke stood before him. "You," the boy started, arms folded, "Need to talk more clearly."

Kakashi grinned smugly. _Hook, line, sinker._

 **~~A Redhead Causes Misunderstandings~~**

Strength was what defined his opponents. The more powerful his opponent was, the more pleasure he and his mother got from killing them, the more it defined his existence. That's why, from the moment that Uchiha Sasuke approached him, Gaara knew that he wanted to kill the boy. There was about him that made Gaara knew that he was strong. Not only that, but the look in his eyes reminded Gaara of himself for some reason.

That's the reason why Gaara had approached him even before the exams. And he was called out by the boy's teacher, he stepped out.

"You are an interesting person Uchiha Sasuke, Mother does want your blood," Gaara said. "I wonder if your brother has more strength than you. I am only interested in strength after all."

And there was that gleam in that boy's eyes again, the one that reminded him of himself. Devotion to a goal, and the ambition and ability to do anything to gain it. Uchiha asked slowly, red eyes spinning, "You… are interested in Itachi?"

"Obviously," Gaara said, wanting to see the boy react more.

With a growl, the boy started to leap forward, but was stopped by his teacher. Dryly, the teacher said, "Didn't I _just_ tell you guys to save it for the exam, Sasuke? And you, seriously, you think I'm blind? Stop and leave already."

With a frown, Gaara grudgingly withdrew his sand and turned to leave. He thought darkly, _And if it weren't for that meddling sensei I would have gotten away with it too._ _Curses, foiled again!_

 **~~Cousin Meets A Thorough Questioning~~**

"Did anything happen on your mission?" Sasuke asked, looking at him with unblinking eyes.

 _And there's the questioning and worrying about Itachi's virtue,_ Shisui thought. _I was wondering when it would happen._ He gave a cheerful smile. "Nope. Nothing out of the ordinary."

Sasuke leaned forward. "Are you absolutely, positively, sure?"

"Yes," Shisui confirmed. "Well, there was a monk who tried to adopt Itachi and burst into tears when he refused, but that wasn't really a threat to his virtue or anything."

"Hmm," Sasuke said with a frown. "So no gender confused fishes appeared?"

 _Gender confused fishes? I have got to hear the story behind that,_ Shisui thought amused. "Not as far as I know, no."

"How was the mission, anyway?" Sasuke pressed.

"That's classified, Sasuke, you know that," Shisui said with a roll of his eyes.

Sasuke stared.

"I mean it, Sasuke. Classified," he said pointedly. "Seriously though, nothing happened."

Sasuke pouted. "Come on, Shisui!"

"Get a promotion or two, then I'll tell you," Shisui replied with a smirk.

His cousin sighed. "Didn't you guys go down south somewhere? I heard the beaches there are nice. Can't you tell me if you guys at least had fun?"

Shisui blinked. "Who told that?"

"Kakashi," he replied immediately. "Why? Did he lie or something? Do I need to need to excommunicate him from the Uchiha Itachi Protection Squad?"

"Nah, he said correctly. But on the topic of fun…" Shisui gave a dramatic sigh. "You know how Itachi is. He insisted on being proper and responsible and everything. No fun at all."

Sasuke slumped, looking depressed. "Oh."

"Why're you asking this anyway?" Shisui asked curiously.

Sasuke shrugged, looking away. "He should just relax a bit more, you know?" he said casually, but Shisui wasn't fooled.

 _Definitely hiding something,_ Shisui mused. _You're pretty good, cousin, but not good enough yet. Is he trying to find someone to set Itachi up with like Fugaku hoped?_ "Huh."

"What about when he's here or at your apartment? Do you guys have any fun then? Or has anything happened then?" Sasuke asked.

"If you count training," Shisui said, wondering whether he should tell Sasuke about Itachi's matchmaking activities. Best not to, he decided. He didn't want to give Sasuke a heart attack or anything. Yet, anyway. "I haven't really spent much time with him recently though. We've both been busy."

Sasuke gave him a horrified look, standing up. "What are you doing?!" he practically shrieked, shaking Shisui's shoulders. "How do you expect to protect Itachi's virtue if you leave him alone?! You know I'm busy since surprisingly Kakashi decided to be an actual teacher and I have to take care of various targets, so the duty of protecting him falls to _you._ Don't you dare avoid your duty, Shisui."

 _But as amusing as it is, following Itachi while his stalking his targets probably isn't the best idea,_ Shisui thought. Outwardly, he gave a sheepish grin. "Yeah, I know. Sorry about it. I'll spend more time with him, I promise."

"You better," Sasuke said with a frown. "And if you find any threats, either take care of it or let me know so I can take care of it."

 _If Sasuke wasn't looking for someone to partner with Itachi, would he have asked me to let him know of possible threats?_ Because if he was, letting him know would let him evaluate possible candidates. And if he wasn't why not simply say 'take care of it _and_ let me know'? But if he was looking for possible partners, why not tell Shisui? Shisui pondered on it, and then decided this would take more investigation. To Sasuke, he said with a carefree grin, "Sure. No problem."

 **~~Big Brother Will Erase The Snake From Existence~~**

SNAP.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" Itachi asked politely, absently throwing the piece of a broken pen towards a trash can. The Chunin exams had been pretty much a disaster, aside from how he managed to get a lot of people together, since Orochimaru had managed to escape and the village still hadn't recovered that well from the attack. Itachi thought he had been handling himself pretty well considering that, since he wasn't yelling or punching people, so he didn't quite understand why the genin messenger was quaking in his boots.

"Itachi, maybe you should tone down on the killing intent," Shisui suggested, though he was frowning.

Itachi blinked, then noticed that, yes, he was releasing killing intent. Obligingly, he pulled it back, then focused his gaze on the genin once more.

The genin gulped then squeaked out, "Uchiha Sasuke has been kidnapped. By the Sound Four."

Itachi's control slipped, sending out killing intent everywhere, and the genin finally fainted.

Beside him, Shisui sighed.

 **~~A Snake Remembers Not To Count His Eggs Before They Hatch~~**

Orochimaru looked at Sasuke. Sasuke looked at Orochimaru. _Yes,_ the Sannin thought gleefully, _how wonderful!_ The boy had come here of his own will, just like he knew he would! Oh, this was perfect. This was glorious, this was absolutely wonderful! Why, he simply couldn't wait to possess that body. His own shook with excitement, till first out slipped a giggle, then a chuckle, then it developed into full blown maniacal laughing. "Mwahaha! I knew you would come to Sasuke-kun! Yes, now I can finally have a beautiful Uchiha body. Yes, we must now quickly perform the ritual–"

"Alright, I just want to say something before that," Sasuke interrupted him, looking at him straight in the eyes.

 _Aw, how cute! He's not even that afraid of me,_ Orochimaru thought happily. _Yes, this boy would be perfect._ "Kukuku, and what is that Sasuke-kun? I will grant your any wish," Orochimaru hissed, looking delighted.

"You see, I'm quite fond of my brother. So to hear you practically salivate over him…Well, I'm sure you can imagine," Sasuke said emotionlessly, but then ducked his head. "To stop it, you could say that I'm willing to do anything."

 _And such good control over his emotions, too. And sacrificing himself for his brother, oh how I love a good tragedy!_ "Ah, so you want me to leave him alone? How sweet, Sasuke-kun. You needed worry, for you shall fulfill all my hopes and fantasies," Orochimaru said with chuckle. "Now, then–"

"Wrong," Sasuke interrupted again softly. "What I wanted to say is," he paused throwing open his arms to for dramatic effect as his smile widened maniacally. Orochimaru was suddenly aware of what seemed to be hundreds of paper tags scattering out from Sasuke, but he barely had a chance to do anything before the boy said with sadistic pleasure, "Katsu!"

 _Oh shit,_ was Orochimaru's only thought.

The lair exploded.

 **~~ The Porn Reader Just Wants To Read Quality Literature~~**

Kakashi heaved a sigh as his team was forced out to search for their missing teammate. Mournfully, he glanced at the orange book sticking out of his pocket, the latest release of the series. But alas, Sasuke just had to get kidnapped today. At least they were pretty close now.

"Bastard!" Naruto screamed from ahead of him as he went barreling into Sasuke.

 _With the power of the Sharingan bestowed upon me by the higher powers, I foresee an argument,_ Kakashi thought gleefully. That meant he had time to read, so he didn't waste a moment before slipping out the book, though he kept half an eye on his cute little genin.

Sasuke neatly sidestepped the attack, and gave a haughty sniff when Naruto to hastily whirl to avoid falling down. "Dead-last," he said coolly, annoyed at being interrupted.

 _Oh, a new character's being introduced._

"Hey, is that how you greet someone who's come to your rescue after you got kidnapped?" Naruto yelled indignantly.

 _Wait, I thought Akari was a couple with Muroku? Is she cheating?_

"Sasuke-kun! You're okay," Sakura greeted in relief.

 _Hold on a sec, isn't that Suzume's ex?_

Ignoring Sakura for the moment, Sasuke replied to Naruto, "What are you talking about? I didn't get kidnapped. I came here of my own free will."

Kakashi blinked, losing focus from the story entirely. What the hell? Didn't Sasuke hate Orochimaru?

"Eh?!" Naruto exclaimed, scrunching his face. Beside him, Sakura blinked.

Sakura said hesitantly, "Sasuke-kun, you do remember that defecting is against the law don't you?"

"Who said anything about defecting?"

Naruto huffed. "You just said you came here of your own free will didn't you."

"Obviously," Sasuke said condescendingly, as if speaking to a small child. "I always knew you were a little slow, but I didn't realize you were hearing impaired too."

"I don't have hearing problems!" Naruto immediately defended indignantly, "Anyway, you just said it again, you know."

"Said what again?" Sasuke asked blankly.

"That you're defecting."

Sasuke gave an irritated frown. "You need to stop making baseless accusations, idiot. It's unhealthy. And I really fail to see how you're arriving at this conclusion. Honestly, _what_ did you learn at the Academy."

Naruto twitched. "BASTARD, YOU JUST–"

"Naruto, let me handle this," Kakashi interrupted, feeling a sense of déjà vu. "Sasuke, for what reason did you leave of your own free will, and what was that explosion before?"

Before Sasuke could answer, a figure burst out from the rubble, two figures, really. It was Kabuto, supporting Orochimaru.

Sasuke frowned disapprovingly at him, and something like realization flashed across his eyes. "Seriously Kakashi, this is not the time for you to be trying to impart your habit of lateness to me. I have something to take care of five minutes ago."

Kakashi sweat dropped. "Again, that really wasn't what I meant."

 **~~Little Brother Gets His Backup~~**

Sasuke was about to reply to Kakashi, but then he realized that two very familiar people were approaching. _Damn it, Shisui!_ he cursed. _You're supposed to keep Itachi away from Orochimaru. Why the hell are you acting like this?_

"Sasuke!" Itachi called out, dropping into a protective stance in front of his little brother. "Stay away from my brother, Orochimaru!"

Sasuke sighed. "Contrary to popular belief, brother, I do in fact know what I'm doing, so you really needn't worry. What we do need to worry about, though, is why Shisui allowed you here. You had one job Shisui. One job. And you failed at it."

"It's not like I could've made him stay away," Shisui mumbled.

"Kukuku, we seem to have gotten ourselves into a problem, Kabuto," Orochimaru hissed, sounding pissed off. It looked like the attack had gotten him, at least a little, since he had to be supported by Kabuto.

 _Good,_ Sasuke thought. If Orochimaru had brushed off his attack like it was nothing, he would have been supremely pissed off.

"Here I was thinking you would be willing to give me your body, and instead you go and send me an explosive welcome with a Shadow Clone instead," Orochimaru said. "I should've known Uchihas like to play hard to get."

All Uchiha's present twitched.

"So the explosion _was_ your fault!" Kakashi exclaimed triumphantly, then blinked. "Wait, did you just get kidnapped to get a chance to do that?"

"Obviously," Sasuke muttered with annoyance. "What did you think?"

"What," Shisui said flatly. "Why must you make everything so complicated, Sasuke. Seriously, I thought I raised you better than this."

"Don't be ridiculous, this is obviously a result of your influence," Itachi scolded, causing Shisui to give a dramatic gasp.

"Oh thank god you have better taste than that guy," Sakura blurted out in relief.

 _Did she think I was interested in that guy?_ Sasuke thought disturbed. _Disgusting. Perish the thought! I have to do a purifying ritual to get rid of that taint now._

"Wait, hold on a sec," Naruto interrupted. "You know the shadow clone jutsu?"

 _Is he stupid?_ Sasuke thought. Oh wait, yes he was. Honestly, if he wasn't a member of the Uchiha Itachi Protection Squad, Sasuke wouldn't put up with him. He explained slowly, "You do realize I have the Sharingan, right? Which, by the way, copies jutsu? And you do realize that you spam that jutsu literally every single hour?"

"Oh."

There was a sudden whish in the air as Itachi threw several kunai. "Orochimaru," he said emotionlessly, though his eyes promised eternal pain, "Where do you think you're going?"

 _Oh, not again,_ Sasuke thought in annoyance. _They really need to stop distracting me and start working on eliminating the threat._ "Don't try to escape," Sasuke growled, fingering a kunai with an explosive tag. "You're going to die to today. You're outnumbered and outclassed, so you might as well just drop dead, got it?"

"Kukukuku!" Orochimaru giggled. "Oh, Sasuke-kun! You may think you have me cornered, but you forget that I am a Sannin. Kuchiyose no Jutsu!"

 _Shit,_ Sasuke thought as he and the others were forced to leap back, watching the smoke clear away to reveal three gigantic snake summons. "That absolute fucking bastard!" he exploded. "I'll shove those snakes so far up his damned ass that they come out of his fucking mouth!"

"Isn't that anatomically impossible?" Shisui pointed out reasonably, dodging a strike.

"Oh, shut it! If you had done as you were supposed to, Orochimaru would already be dead. Now do me a favor and occupy these snakes so I can kill him will you?"

"Actually, little brother, I feel that it would be better if I take care of him."

"As much as I love you, Itachi–"

 _Chirp Chirp Chirp!_ There went one snake, poofing away via Kakashi's chidori.

"Or, you know, since I'm the older cousin, I kinda feel responsible, so maybe I should–"

"Don't worry! I, Uzumaki Naruto, will become the hero and get rid of–"

"Shut up, dead-last."

"Yeah! I'll be the one to protect Sasuke-kun's virtue!"

 _Slash!_ There went another, poofing out as Shisui and Itachi struck it down.

"My dear cute little genin, none of you are facing a Sannin. And Shisui and Itachi, Orohimaru was interested in you too, remember? So, as your senior, let me take care of it and–"

Sasuke tuned out the rest of the speech with a huff. This was all entirely unnecessary anyway. Right then, he caught sight of the sign he had been waiting for, and with a smirk, he threw the last of his explosive kunai into the mouth of the last snake, causing it to explosively poof out.

"Hello, mother," he said happily.

"What," Shisui said flatly, eyeing the two bodies his aunt was dragging.

Sasuke knew she would be a good candidate for back-up.

"Hello, dear," Mikoto said fondly with a wave. She said innocently, "Since you guys seemed rather busy with your own problems, I simply took care of a little problem. I hope you don't mind."

Orochimaru groaned, and his mother swiftly gave a kick, causing the body to still again.

"Mother…" Itachi trailed off, looking uncertain.

She continued, entirely unfazed, "It's simply that when I heard that a pedophile was after my sons, I simply couldn't stay put. I'm sure you understand."

For a moment everyone was silent, then Naruto whispered to Sakura, "Moms are _scary."_

She nodded, somewhat starry eyed. "All Uchihas are awesome," she breathed out. Sasuke suspected she had just found someone else to fangirl.

"That really wasn't what I meant," Naruto said flatly.

Turning to face the others, Sasuke said with a smug grin, "I _told_ you I knew what I was doing."

 **~~Cousin Did** _ **Not**_ **Sign Up For This~~**

"No thank you," Itachi refused politely as the waiter offered them a gaudy heart themed dish.

 _Why does this keep happening?_ Shisui thought, twitching. That had be the hundredth time that a shop mysteriously mistook them to be a couple. He had no idea why that it kept happening, but he was sure that Sasuke had something to do with it. Probably revenge for not protecting Itachi adequately from foreign threats or whatever. Damn, he needed to have a talk with that brat about excessive revenge. Or maybe tell Fugaku. Actually, no, that was bad idea. Sasuke would probably just end up nearly burning down the house again. He needed to convince Itachi or Mikoto to do it, who were the only ones who could chance Sasuke's mind about anything.

Itachi stood up abruptly, a slight creasing of his eyebrows the only hint of his annoyance. "Shisui, let's get a mission. I don't know what's with people these days, but they're so pushy."

Shisui stared. "Are you serious?" Wasn't he running around setting people with ridiculous ease just a few hours ago? How could he remain oblivious to such things after that?

"Yes. I think considering everyone's state, we should perhaps avoid it for a while," Itachi explained seriously in answer, entirely misinterpreting the question.

With a sigh, Shisui got up, leaving the bill on the table. "Let's scram, then." With a few quick usages of Shunshin, they managed to pick up a short mission quickly, and reached the gate fairly quickly too. They were, in fact, quite a bit out from the gate when he heard it.

"WAIT!" a familiar voice yelled, causing both of them to pause. Shisui turned to see the rapidly approaching figure of the person who was responsible for his current misery. Sasuke. _Damn it, what's he going to try now?_

"Sasuke," Itachi greeted with a smile, unaware of who had been responsible for the 'pushy behavior' as Itachi called it. "Why are you here?"

As his teammates approached at a more sedate pace behind him, Sasuke glanced around with paranoia as he clung to Itachi, before saying, "My Itachi's Virtue's in Danger Senses were tingling."

His eyebrows raised, and he asked skeptically, "Your what now?"

"Bastard!" Naruto yelled with annoyance as he arrived. "Why'd you suddenly run off like that? You're not supposed to run off in the middle of a mission, you know!"

"My brother is in danger," Sasuke hissed back, affronted.

 _Oh boy,_ Shisui thought. _This cannot end well. Well, since he's here, I might as well tell him to cut it out with the whole revenge thing._ "Sasuke, Itachi's perfectly fine as you can see. So do you mind cutting it out with the whole taking revenge on me for not protecting Itachi's virtue sufficiently from foreign threats via trying to put me and into awkward fake 'romantic' situations?" he asked bluntly, watching Sasuke's face go aghast.

"Say what?" Naruto asked blankly, and the sentiment was echoed by his teammates as they arrived.

"God damn it, Shisui! Can you learn to read the situation please," Sasuke snapped, looking annoyed.

Shisui gave him a flat stare. "Seriously, Sasuke this has gone on long enough, don't you think? It's so annoying that we're taking extra missions on our off time to avoid it. And neither of us even particularly like our missions."

"You're taking separate missions?!" Sasuke shrieked, causing Kakashi to wince at the volume.

"…Yes," Itachi answered, sounding confused.

"Seriously, Sasuke. Itachi can protect himself just fine–"

"That's not it! Why can't you just read the atmosphere, idiot!" Sasuke yelled sounding frustrated. "Do you have any idea how hard I've tried to–" He suddenly cut himself, eyes widening as if he said something he didn't mean to.

"Tried to what?" Shisui asked cautiously.

"Well," Sasuke started but Shisui already knew it would be a lie.

"I think he means 'tried properly set you two up'," Kakashi finished, and Sasuke's wince was all Shisui needed to know.

" _Are you serious?!"_ Shisui hissed, horrified. "Why would you even – did you forget that both of us are straight or something?"

"I don't feel any particular attraction to Shisui," Itachi volunteered, looking confused.

"But that would actually be kind of hot," Sakura muttered, looking at the two of them with appreciative eyes, and Shisui desperately ran through a list of possible genjutsu he could use as brain bleach. None that he could use on himself, damn it.

"You're the only one who even comes close to being worthy of Itachi! And if you get together with him, then threats to Itachi's virtues will become a thing of the past," Sasuke protested, glaring at Shisui. "Stop being so difficult–"

"Oh, so now I'm being difficult?" Shisui asked incredulously. Why did he ever think encouraging Sasuke was a good idea? Raising his voice he declared, "This ship is not setting sail, Sasuke."

With a scowl, Sasuke snapped, "The whole straight thing isn't an issue anyway! There's a secret Kiri Jutsu you can use to change genders, so you can turn into a girl and get married or whatever."

Shisui gaped indignantly. "Why would I be the girl? Why not Itachi?"

"Wait, so you're not denying it anymore?" Sakura asked, her eyes lit up. "You agree to get together with Itachi-san, just confused on your gender?"

With a twitch, he grit out in frustration, "I am not. Confused. About. My. Gender."

"Okay, then you'll do the jutsu and marry Itachi–"

"I AM N–"

"Oh so you're my rival, huh?" a sudden, new voice interrupted. Shisui paused and turned to see a strange, blue skinned woman speaking. Strange, she had a startling similarity to the missing-nin Hoshigaki Kisame... And she was also entirely topless for some reason.

All members of Team Seven and Itachi as well stiffened. "You…" they all practically growled.

Sakura's eyes twitched heavily as she looked at her. "The gender confused fish has returned, still braless."

"And it's still using the fake Oiroke no Jutsu," Naruto muttered darkly.

"You shall not taint Itachi's virtue," Sasuke hissed. "We have to kill it. Kill it with fire."

Kakashi merely sighed.

The coldest of words were spoken by Itachi however. Itachi was normally a very polite, kind individual, but when he got annoyed at people, he got _seriously annoyed_ at people. Radiating precise, pinpoint killing intent directed at the 'fish', as they had dubbed it, Itachi said with a chilling tone, Sharingan spinning, "What are you doing here, Hoshigaki?"

 _So it is a Hoshigaki! Though I wonder what they meant by gender confused and fake Oiroke no Jutsu…_

Hoshigaki had the gall to grin unabashedly at them. "Well, someone said something about catching a Jinchuriki or something, but I'd rather catch Itachi-san. So Itachi-san, will you marry me?" he asked, flourishing a small box.

"You dare…" Sasuke started, lightning beginning to crackle at his fingertips.

"Gross," Naruto and Sakura said in unison, shuddering.

Itachi took a step back, clearly repulsed. "I am _not_ doing anything with you, no matter how many times you change your gender," he snapped.

Shisui blinked, then asked incredulously, "Hold on a second, you're the one Sasuke learnt that jutsu from? Do have any idea what you did to my li–"

"And you're my love rival!" Hoshigaki declared, pointing a sword at him. "I shall murder you and gain Itachi-san's affections!"

Itachi growled, a murderous glint in his eyes. "Stay here, Shisui. I need to kill a fish." Saying that, he began to stalk forward.

"See," Sasuke said triumphantly, "He's totally in love with you, or else he wouldn't be trying to protect you. You two are obviously perfect for each other." And before he could even form a reply, Sasuke dashed off after Itachi, yelling something about demanding a side dish fish tempura for lunch.

"You are, you know. Just think of how cute you two are together," said Sakura before she too dashed into the fight. _Fangirls,_ Shisui thought in resignment.

"Er," Naruto said, clearing his throat, a determined expression on his face, "I'm kinda confused as to what just happened, but all I know is that that fish is going to die." Saying that, Naruto leapt after Sakura.

"Naruto's officially my favorite member of Team Seven," Shisui murmured, somewhat frazzled. He really should not have ever gotten involved with Sasuke's mad plans. At least one of Sasuke's teammates didn't want him to hook up with Itachi, even if it was only because he was confused by the whole thing.

"You wound my heart," Kakashi said dryly, watching the fight with interest. Wind blew across his face as an explosive tag went off. "You could just get married, you know. Like I did to my Icha Icha."

"Sempai, _no._ "

"Kouhai, _yes._ "

Someone cleared their throat, and Shisui looked up to see two young teenagers standing before him. "Yes?" he asked dully, one hundred percent done.

Shifting nervously, the one on the right asked, "I was told Uchiha Sasuke could help me with my love issues?" Then the one on the left said, "I heard Uchiha Itachi could help me mine?"

Shisui groaned, burying his face in his arms as he listened to Kakashi's muffled chuckles. _I did not sign up for this._

 **~~Father and Mother Continue On As Usual~~**

"So Sasuke has chased away pretty all of Itachi's suitors," Mikoto mused with amusement as she stirred the rice in the pot. "Doesn't that mean I win, dear? Seems you really don't know Sasuke, after all. You did cause him to nearly burn down the house once."

Fugaku arched an eyebrow, delicately putting down his empty cup of tea into the sink. "You call it 'chased away'? I call setting all the wrong people up. At any rate, he did try to find a suitable partner too. And that was once, Mikoto, once."

"So? You still did it. But don't worry, I'll be a gracious wife and let it go," Mikoto teased, causing Fugaku to roll his eyes. Continuing, she asked, "You mean Shisui?" Mikoto asked, smiling. She turn off the heat, gently spooning the rice into two bowls. "I admit, that did surprise me, but he hasn't exactly succeeded, has he?"

"Then that just means that neither of us really won," Fugaku countered smoothly.

"I suppose," Mikoto said at last. "Then shouldn't we make a new bet? Since this one didn't really have a result."

Nodding, Fugaku answered, "Definitely. Perhaps we should bet on what happens with Shisui and Itachi?"

With a small smile, she said, "I like the way you think. But before that, have you heard what they're calling our sons now?"

"What?" He asked cautiously as he looked at her, narrowing his eyes.

Mikoto smile turned into a full blown smirk. "The Matchmakers of Konoha."

Extras:

 **~~Why Big Brother Hates The Fish~~**

"You," Itachi hissed furiously, Sharingan eyes spinning and potent killing intent leaking all over the place. " _You did this."_

"Taicho," a new ANBU recruit squeaked out, more than a little terrified at seeing Itachi's normally calm manner do a one-eighty. Sure, the group in front of them was the group they were supposed to take out, but it simply wasn't like Itachi to get pissed off like that.

"Bad idea. Really, really, bad idea," a more seasoned veteran said urgently, pulling the recruit back before he could interfere. "We need to get out."

"And what if I did?" a blue skinned guy asked somewhat lazily in response to Itachi, a sharklike grin on his face.

"But what abou–t"

"There's honestly no use worrying about Taicho or the mission now. It's much too late," the Anbu said,shaking his head. "Just watch."

Still somewhat confused, the recruit did as he was told and watched.

"Then," Itachi said, voice still terrifying, gripping his blade. "All of you will _die."_

The blue skinned man only widened his grin, raising his own sword. "Sounds like fun."

Less than a minute later, all of their targets save the blue-skinned man had been summarily dealt with, and he was engaged in a heavy fight with a furious Itachi.

"Why is taicho so angry?" the new recruit wondered as he watched.

The older Anbu grimaced. "Honestly speaking, the more powerful a shinobi becomes, the more their crazy level ups. For our Taicho, there just happens to be something he feels rather strongly about."

The recruit thought over their encounter with the group. Although they had been tracking the group, the group had actually found their camp first and ambushed them in the middle of their lunch break, ruining all their lunches. Taicho had gone further ahead to check something out, and when he returned, he had found their groups engaged in combat. "Is he protective of his teammates or something?"

"No, that's Kakashi," the older Anbu said promptly.

"Then what is it?"

"Dango, child, dango," he said sagely, "They ruined Itachi's dango. Andi since they did that… All the powers in the world can't hope to save them now."

The recruit blinked. "Huh?"

Before he could receive a reply, the blue-skinned man let out a loud laugh. His eyes were alight with excitement, and he paid no attention to the various cuts and wounds over his body. "Damn, you're perfect, beautiful. Want to get married by any chance?"

"You…" Itachi started, eyes still burning with anger. "I would turn you into sushi and feed you to my cats, but you aren't even suited for that because you know what? You would taste so much like shit that even a three week starving cat wouldn't touch it even if it was prepared by a professional chef. You know the only thing you would be good for? Being cut up into little pieces and mixed with plant waste before being broken down by microorganisms into damned garden compost. Even then, you would most be used as a weed killer since all the plants you touch would die because you're simply. So. Very. _Disgusting_."

"Savage," the recruit muttered in awe. Should he take notes? He felt like he should take notes.

"Thus," Itachi continued ruthlessly, readying his blade, "Do the world a favor, and die!"

 **~~Little Brother Is Vicious~~**

"I will have my revenge!" Sasuke ranted on about Kisame, who Kakashi had just managed to chase away with Tazuna's help.

 _Can't he be a little quiet?_ Kakashi thought with exasperation, putting a hand over Sasuke's mouth. "Ouch!" he yelled a split second later, almost throwing Sasuke away. "What the hell Sasuke, did you bite me?"

Sasuke had taken advantage of his inattention to try to run away, but he didn't get far before he suddenly kneeled over.

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura exclaimed in concern, running over to him.

"Oh yeah, I had poison on my skin due to my paranoia tendencies. Jounin, you know," Kakashi mumbled. "Don't worry, Sakura, he's just unconscious." He lazily went over there, intending to pick Sasuke up, only to receive a blow to the gut. "What the hell Sasuke, did you punch me while unconscious?"

Sakura, crouched next to Sasuke, looked at him with wide eyes.

Naruto blinked. "You would've thought your 'paranoia tendencies' would have kicked in. Guess they aren't as awesome as you thought."

"Must… Protect… Itachi…" Sasuke mumbled, eyes still closed.

"I guess Sasuke-kun has better paranoia tendencies," Sakura pointed out.

Kakashi sighed. "Really, guys?"

 **~~Uchiha Itachi Protection Squad Meets Gender-Confusion~~**

"By the way," Haku said with a smile. "I'm a boy."

"What?! No way," Naruto gasped.

Haku gave a soft laugh. "I am, actually."

"Hold on," Sasuke said with a frown. "You were definitely a girl twenty seconds ago. Considering the amount of androgynous family members I have, I know these things. But now your face looks like a boy's."

Sakura looked at Haku suspiciously. "Are you sure you're not just using that secret Kiri Jutsu to change your gender whenever convenient simply because you have an androgynous face?"

Haku blinked. "I am, actually. How did you know?"

All three of them shuddered. "Some things are best left untouched," they muttered darkly.

"But what's your actual gender anyway?" Naruto asked curiously once he recovered.

Haku smiled mysteriously. "Now, now, that would be telling."

"Oh come on!"

 **~~The World May or May Not Be Ending~~**

"Dead-last," Sasuke said in annoyance, stepping to the side to avoid Naruto.

 _Oh, a new character's being introduced,_ Kakashi thought, entirely engrossed in his book to bother about Orochimaru's kidnapping attempt.

Naruto started, "Hey, is that–"

Before he could finish Sasuke interrupted, sounding horrified, "Are you guys _early?_ You aren't supposed to be here yet. _Kakashi_ isn't supposed to be here yet."

Kakashi froze. Could it be? Was he…Early? No, it couldn't be, but…

In unison, he genin turned to look at him with varying degrees of wonder.

Finally, Sasuke said solemnly, "The world's ending."

"Definitely," Sakura agreed, sounding as though she was still in a daze. "Should I write a will?"

Behind them came the sound of sudden slurping, causing them to turn. The two of them twitched.

"Now is not the time Naruto," Sasuke muttered.

"Judging you," Sakura said flatly. "So totally judging you."

"What?" Naruto defended, hugging his cup ramen. "Since the world's ending, I just wanted to go out on a full stomach, you know. It's just common sense!"

 **~~Little Brother's Purification Ritual~~**

"Hey, Sasuke, have you seen–" Shisui halted in his words as he opened the door to Sasuke's room and actually _saw_ his cousin. He twitched, then shut the door again with a click. _This isn't that important, is it?_ He internally lamented. But no, it was that important. Shutting his eyes in a pained manner for a brief second, he again opened the door.

"Shisui," Sasuke intoned gravely from where he was sitting. "Have you come to join me in the purification ritual?"

Despite his better judgement, Shisui couldn't help but ask, eyeing the room. "And how is this a purification ritual?"

His little cousin gave him a chastising look. "I would have thought it obvious," he said grandly, gesturing around. "Itachi has purification abilities."

"Of course he does," Shisui muttered, eyeing the various photo albums of Itachi laid in a circle around Sasuke. There were some posters, too, all of Itachi, and was that a body pillow he saw? His cousin himself seemed to have borrowed a set of Itachi's old clothes and was now wearing them.

"By immersing myself in Itachi's majesticity, I will be purified," Sasuke continued, looking gravely at Shisui. "Of course, this is no substitute for the real person, and thus, when Itachi arrives back home, I will sleep with him tonight."

Shisui choked on air, words caught in his throat. Just when he thought he couldn't be surprised anymore–! "Sasuke, could you repeat that?" he managed to get out.

"By sleeping next to Itachi tonight, I will be wholly purified," Sasuke explained patiently.

 _Well, that wasn't bad as I was expecting, but still…_ Shisui shook his head. _Ignore the slightly incestuous undertones,_ he told himself. He was here on a task, and he would accomplish it or else–

Sasuke asked, "Do you want to join us tonight, Shisui?"

 _Screw it!_ Shisui thought, slamming the door shut as he Shunshin'd out of there. _I am_ not _handling anymore slightly incestuous undertones._

 **~~How Canon Was Diverted~~**

Itachi paced around nervously, thinking of various plans to protect Sasuke's innocence. "Maybe I should… but no, that wouldn't work," he mumbled distractedly.

"Got any new ideas yet?" Shisui asked curiously, fiddling with a piece of wire.

Itachi stopped short. "Got it!" he exclaimed. "I'll come up with a way to traumatize him so much and make him hate me that the only thing he'll think about is finding a way to kill me but do it in such a way that it appears to him that he's ridiculously weak and can't hope to defeat me with getting stronger and that way he won't even have time to consider any romantic advances! This is brilliant!" Itachi nodded to himself, clearly pleased with the plan.

Shisui stared at his cousin, then said slowly, "Don't you think that's a little drastic, Itachi?"

"Not if it's for the sake of protecting Sasuke's innocence," Itachi said adamantly. "Now I just have to come up with something suitable traumatizing for it, and then it'll be all set. Maybe I could–"

"Itachi, no."

"But–"

"No."

"If you–"

"No."

"It's entirely–"

"No."

"Just think–"

"No."

"What about–"

"No."

Itachi slumped, dejected. "I'll just go with plan B then…"

"You do that Itachi," Shisui said dryly. "You do that."

* * *

 _Hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I had fun writing it! ^_^_

 _(Also, this isn't really edited much – though I tried – since I'm pretty bad at catching my mistakes, so if you notice any grammatical errors, please let me know.)_

 _What I'd love feedback on: Does this fall under the romance genre considering the main character doesn't even get together with anyone? What other possible extras would you like to see? When did you first suspect Sasuke was plotting to get Shisui and Itachi together?_

 _~ketsui meraki_


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